what whimpers this way comes

Those ever spinning questions, what to do, what should I do, have
haunted me like crazy lately. Sure, I’m hot, I can sell shit.
But do I want to sell shit?
No, I don’t think so.

I can sell people. Ideas. I manage business well. I have good marketing
sense, ability. I can slander and dishevel and level people with just a
few bursts and keystrokes. I don’t wanna be selling what I cannot
stand. Myself, I can stand myself, though sometimes I get stuck in this
quagmire of emotions, where I can even annoy the hell out of myself
just because I would find myself annoying if I had to be confronted
with, well, me.

Regardless, my hands are covered in paint. I have permanently altered
my routine (I hope). That stupid bar called me, but god only
knows if it really is gonna pan out to be a real job, or I might just
end up being a spaceholder of sorts. I really don’t care. Ebay is a big
bitch for having erroneous records, something I cannot even pretend to
understand until tomorrow when I make money and re-pay what I owe, even
though I already paid it. Uh-huh. They screw ya like that. Then that
money then gets shelved and hidden and saved (a little bit). River
asked me if I wanted to go to Miami on a little mini-road trip of
sorts. I think I might do that, and come back on Feb 1, or 2–you have
to leave the space for natural disasters like NorEasters, and all that.
My lovely’s birthday is soon…cannot miss that. I have decided that
this whole I want to travel thing that I have always wanted to do with
my unemployment should lead me on various adventures..here there
everywhere. So the passport is in line next. It’s a few weeks since
I’ve been talking of it, yet my brokeass badass self is not so prepared
to lay down 80 somethin dollars just yet. 6 months is fine though. 6
months of free money (okay not really but I paid my taxes so there) to go run
to the ends of the earth. LA, okay I might try you for a few days, and
Georgia, yes. Florida of course. Denver yes. Amsterdam, of course.
Prague, Hungary. Okay. I can do that.

Or perhaps I will wait on that and take me and my man to Mexico. Mexico
is my place that reflects the equivalent of relax behind my eyelids.
Speaking of which, this zen ZEN girl o’er here has been yoga and feel
the relaxation today. I have to do it everyday. The yoga is three times
a day, but I need to focus. If I were to travel I could write about a
billion and one things about that, traveling. Do some modeling here or
there. Who knows? I need to get outta dodge, if you know what
I mean. And not in that I am fleeing, try to catch me kind of way, but
because I despise cold musty dark damp places. And I happen to live in
one somehow. Basement apartments will kill ya. And this one has really
come a little close to that. I have been throwing fits lately. No
vitamin D. No Cod Liver oil. Tomorrow, yes, no, Saturday morning. I
even pulled some bullshit on E. But he seems rather prepared for
such disasters, somehow somehow.

At one point, though it’s hard to remember what point, TMobile told me
that if I actually physically pulled the battery off of my phone that
it wouldn’t work. I argued with whatever dolt told me that over the
phone, but they told me absolutely guaranteed that my phone would not
only not accept messages, that it would not even ring. How this makes
sense is so beyond me, but it really doesn’t work. I tried it. I have
been getting increasingly ornery and aggro with so much that I figure
that it’s probably better to avoid some of my random phone calls,
simply because they are random and I don’t give a shit. And no, not for
everyone. Actually it is only E I accept calls from lately almost all of the
time. Sometimes V when I don’t want to pull my eyes out. I just
hate explaining myself. Can’t I just not do that for a while?

hahahahaha. Anyhow. I have been getting lonely, which is why this thing
is like me talking to myself and having a conversation. The big Homo
upstairs has been staying away except for maybe 10 minutes a day.
Today, not even that. I turn into a random freak when I spend all this
time disheveled inside on a dusty shelf. Today, though. I painted.
Wrote. Can’t wait to buy a laptop, pay my bills. Rock out. With
a laptop my observations and writing can evolve beyond the confines
that are my four walls, my dark hell, my little cocoon.

Oh. And going out? I cannot wait to start running around town, alone,
and with E. I do that well, I would be out at this moment, right this moment
if I had the funds to do so. It would help immensely for me to be out right now.

I cannot wait to do stuff and run around and live a
little better than I have been living…uh huh, uh huh.

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