Torrential downpours–

In mind and thought process. I am trying to figure out the best
discourse for my life over the next few years. For all intents and
purposes, I figured I would move back to Mass to live with my friend,
Francis, and try to get a job, and finagle school in some manner.
Massahell is like an abusive relationship, you want to go back, but
you know that it’s potentially dangerous. I am a fly by the seat of
your pants kind of girl. I consider things that might not always make
sense.

However, I have decided that Massachusetts might be a resting place for
me, but I will not know this until mid-winter. See, the plan is to
apply for school early decision for all of my choices and actually take
the best offer extended to me, if any. I will be making my choices as
to where I would like to attend over the next coming weeks, and see
what majority fall to what location. Now I would still say that I do
know that Mass would be a good place for me to be, my friends and
all–and almost every school I am interested in is there, but there are
a few stretch choices that might make it a better possibility for me to
better myself. One is Rhode Island School of Design. Now, I have
realized something: when I do art it is the only time I feel as if I am
not doing work. It is never painful. I have a new show I am working on
about my personal evolution that I am going to paint individual panels
for, and put them all into a comic book style arrangement and sell them
at the show that I have. I figure I really do need to exercise my inner
demons that I have-from the self-conscious to varying shades of loving
emptiness. I have to figure out the size of the panels. I know the
medium, mixed. I plan on incorporating all kinds of photography and
torn-up love letters from years past as well as porn photobooth
pictures. Some of the pictures are going to be border-line pornographic
But it will be the most honest me that I can possibly muster. I need to
get this thing done within the next three months (college deadlines,
you know). I am giving the book as an example of my portfolio as well.

I haven’t talked to Francis about my wanderings. I was recently
paranoid that her roommate was never leaving. I never got a good solid
date, and no one seems to have acknowledged or talked about it at all.
I guess this opened my mind up to more possibilities. I need a solid
grounding to stand on. If I can start selling paintings then I can
truly take my time in figuring out if I want a full degree or just
attend classes I am interested in. I am transcribing now, so I should
be able to afford and actually leave to go live in Mexico for part of
the Winter.

Now, the original realization about Mass possibly being a no-go arose
because I actually do not have, nor will I have the $1100 dollars to
move in. This posing a problem also poses a problem with paying rent
here. Now I have some money coming my way that needs to go to Health
Insurance, and maybe some for rent, but I realized something. F
is also wanting to attend school next fall and wouldn’t it be better
for him to have reduced monetary responsibilities so he can save and
squirrel away for next year? Then I realized that people freak out when
they feel that they don’t have at least one other place to disappear
to. But the point is, I could rent out my now living room and move the
tv to my bedroom and still have ample room. I could rent the other room
out to a roommate for like $400 bucks and it would still be cool.

Ah, what to do what to do? I am taking positive steps to better my
situation, finally. I have my art and my job. I laughed to F
and said now there’s really no reason for me to leave the house except
to get coffee. Today I was out with the dog in the downpours. She
looked up, squinting. She is the cutest little thing, cowering in
Dunkin Donuts and shaking.

Universal size of comic book panels are—hmmm, not my concern. I have
a shit-ton of graphic novels all formatted differently. It’s just that
all my panels have to be of uniform size.

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