time is changing me

I have spent a lot of time hating myself for the physical and various
other reasons. My body is not a mystery, it’s a little messed up and
broken. My mind is quite another, having had to ween itself off of
those ideas of self-deprecation in it’s most extreme forms and formats.
It’s an unlearning process, almost like cutting off a limb, and you
wonder what would happen to me if I really did cut that off at the
artery. I would probably then succeed, because I would be unburdened of
this fear of ultimate failure. When I was a kid I used to think
academics and being smart meant the most, so upon understanding myself
and my natural aptitudes, I took off like a rocket, and came
squirreling back to earth smashed up when I was 12 and my mother got
thrown head on into a depression that made me feel like she hated and despised
me. For skin or for relationships with my father, it’s really hard to
ascertain because the relationship now is not what it was then. The
wounds still bleed, and I am weaker for it, but she sent me this card that said all Hallmark script and happiness,

” A daughter leaves your home, but never your heart, she discovers her own
happiness, which, in turn, becomes yours, life changes, love does not,
happy valentine’s day. This is after I tell them of my little
party at the Dr’s office. It’s really in those times of health
conscious precarious do they really try and come through.
But all I hear from my mother is how stupid I am not to have gone to
school already, and when am I gonna get a job at Starbucks so I have
health insurance. hahahaha.

You learn pretty quickly that aptitudes and possibility are never quite as highly regarded as say, cold    hard    cash. People
respect it, because it means something to them. It’s monetary instant
gratification, and it seems the more you have, the higher your
plumage. Birds of a feather tend to flock together, but I tend to be
the odd bird out, sitting in the other room, hidden in activity and
diverted attention. My plumage is kind of stomped out if that means
anything.

But the doctor did say they were going to have some of my medical bills forgiven. $3000 about. Not that I ever attempted to pay them.

feel like, swollen limbs

broken eyes

sometimes when you claw so feverishly

the tears torn out

linked in fear’s tears

the massive weight is like a piston

gripped tightly you hold your head under water

afraid to breathe

afraid to be



boring down, the dances of eyes mirror the

impending conviction

sometimes it’s easy to smell
the smell

high rocked mountains corked high

wide open and spinning,
the clouds meld and shape to the

curves of the sky

your mind is like a flashing picture box

words weave impede intercede and key



the smells the taste of hot chocolate on the top

of pikes peak

willow trees stretched up

in memory



I paint the picture window pane

still stuck backwards in dreaming like being caught

in a web

sorries stuck to your lips in muttering

glued on with kisses



today I lost
the promise of tomorrows

only to see



nothing is ever done.

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