substance for sustenance
For the past few years I have gone back and forth over declarations of health and well-being. These declarations are completely internal of course, but on occasion mention of them has slipped out at points. And I think a lot of us have these vices that are clearly not great for us, but they are vices so there is the understanding they might not be the best way to spend your time or efforts. I want to be a better person, hell that is something I am constantly trying to do with all of the reading I do. Sometimes I end up not being better and sometimes just more in the know which has its ups and its downs and positives and negatives. Right now I am trying my best to stop drinking which is not really a big problem I have anymore though this week I did take care of two bottles of rose. Yeah, I know a week to do it but ultimately when you drink you are left more exhausted and easily exasperated with the world. Less apt to want to get up, and less apt to be able to if you’re not sober.
At the same time I am trying to quit smoking weed. Shit, I never mention that but I have in public boards when advocating for not responsible behavior, but realistic actions. I smoke because it is a comfort and right now with all of the stress of the world, it would better serve me to forgo because no matter who you are, you eventually can smoke yourself into anxiousness and paranoia, which clearly isn’t going to serve any of us right now. Sometimes it is just a break from the stress of the world but right now I feel the breaks can be blinding and I have a lot lot lot of shit to get done now that I have the mortality cloud beaming down on me every day. Classes, drawings, painting, WP processing. I did register for a web writing class AND another WP building but there are simply not enough hours in the day or focus in my brain to get all of it done.
And then I realized I hadn’t tried to get it all done because I always had the respite of a joint to separate the spaces and tasks in my brain. Stressed? Smoke a little something, girl. Need a pick me up? Smoke something, girl. Bored out of your mind? Smoke something, girl. Now I know, coming to a website to get heart surgery advice or whatever and seeing the chick go off on weed smoking, yeah yeah whatever, be fucking appalled. I live in the real world where you still have choices on what you give up in efforts to be a better person if that is what you want, I guess.
And of course I do and of course I try. And I am trying to cut this shit out. I have very little left and there is the social stigma of showing up to a weed store with a mask I want to try and avoid if I can. And what I do have left tends to leave me anxious and semi hysterical to the reality of the world he and I now live in where nobody knows WTF is going on. Will we be homeless? I dunno. Maybe we will but we won’t be the only ones. I do know if it comes down to it, this little social issue might leave a lot of us in Colorado but no choice but to GTFO. It is dead expensive and if I had a sum of money to milk for a bit I would be looking for cheaper places. Then you realize that notion is not a foreign one and many might have the same impression and maybe rents will start to drop or…maybe because greed is not cured even by the coronavirus, rents will still be increasing YOY for eva. Shit, what are we all going to do? No fucking clue but I need ALL of brainpower and focus to figure this shit out because Colorado…though fucking beautiful and more beautiful than most places–who knows what will happen here but we all need to be ready to drop it and bolt because they still need their money, those landlords we all have.
Here’s to you kicking whatever substance or vice you might want to overcome. It’s going to take a little time but I am not one of those people heavily addicted to much besides mandarin oranges.
