Stupid*Star*, that’s what you are.

So I made a mistake I knew I was capable of making last night, but I
want to kick the ever-living *(%$ out of myself because I am smarter
than that…I am the girl who always makes sure the pot is not
empty….that there is enough of whatever the thing is to go around. I
oftentimes have surprised others by saying neh, and popping out with
the extra whatever it may be–candy, pot, cigarettes– when I smoked
them. I just am not stupid enough to actually screw myself and those
around me by bottoming out to bullshit.

That is, until last night. Now we all know that money is almost
negative in my life at this time, given my hearty unemployed state, and
the fact that I do not go out. For some reason I felt compelled to
bring out my emergency “last minute” funds last night. The last $20 I
had before I could actually call myself flat broke. Yes, you
guessed it, there certainly was an emergency last night that required
its spending, namely a cab ride that I didn’t want to take in the first
place that I was compelled to feel like we were going to ditch and run
away from. Now, I am all for that rebel without a cause crap, but not
when I have cramps and am convulsing, and my lower back acts like a
bent piece of plywood, no no. Not of interest to me. So yes, I paid for
the cab. Then used my last $5 bill to go back in another cab, because I
was “being ridiculous”. Now, I don’t really know how exciting a
prospect it should have been for me to walk the 20 blocks to my train
station while my uterus was convulsing with not a penny to even
take the subway, but I was really not a happy camper;
especially after I realized it was 7 am when I left, and 8:30 am when I
got home.

The time I spent walking actually allowed my mind to clear and think
about my current self-imposed predicament. I was  thinking about
how funny and insane it is that I have allowed myself to ‘feel bad’
about certain situations people have gotten themselves into and offered
up not twenty dollar bills, but hundreds of dollars in cash so that
whatever person’s situation would not be the focus of disaster. Now in
terms of the karmic wheel, you are led to believe that doing this for
people will allow you, too, to be saved in times of peril. Not so. Not
so at all. I have allowed 7 different people to live in my home– on
repeated occasions for almost little or no rent. I have ensured that
the people around me are always fed, and happy. And at what cost? So I
could sit here like a fucking moron and complain about shit that I
should have had a handle on? I am naturally a very very giving person:
when I have, so do the people around me. Somehow I convinced myself
that it was better to share what you earned with the people around you
because spending it alone is just a shitty proposition.

But isn’t it a shittier proposition for you, yourself to be without? I
have to rearrange and re-establish boundaries for the people around me,
and the levels of giving that I will allow myself to practice. At this
point money is just a joke—I should be getting a check in the mail in
7-10 days. I have to pay my mom back for the health insurance she
advanced me, and pay another 2 premiums within a few weeks. If the ebay
stuff actually sells that’s some change my way, too.

I need to write this down like this so that I do not allow myself to
fall victim to this insane sensitivity that I have to people’s
situations and dramas that require money to fix. I cannot and will not
allow any of my friends to crash at my place like it’s some kind of
half-way house to a better place. I cannot and will not give
money, or offer myself up in any way that I do not feel overly
compelled to be in. I cannot and will not do this to myself again.
Your grandmother could be in need of the last fifty dollars I
have to get well, and I would have to say no. Not because I like
being like this, but because I continually hurt myself over and over
and over again by being me. I have to change, and it has to be forceful
and aggressive. It has to be now.

I have various piles of change, mainly nickels and pennies and dimes in
one of my change jars because the quarters and dollar coins are long
gone by now. I can’t go into the city for another week and some–once that check hits my mail I can.

Oh yes, and another hot thing? My cell phone gets shut off today.

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