rock n roll—> could I do it?
Huh, it’s funny all these pieces of advice that keep floating my way,
getting dipped in the gutter, whereby I bend down, scoop ’em up, and
consider each one of them carefully. My birthday is on Thursday, and
yes, we all tend to reflect on what that means year in and out. I think
all of the birthdays after 21 tend to be more contemplative than
actually land mark. And this year I will be 28.
So in wonder of what this means comes a few realizations. I have not
chosen the specific totally limited path of knowing that people seem to
be scrambling to achieve throughout most of their early twenties. I do
know I like the creative process. And as I look back and realize that
my intentions have been so convoluted, and yet focused, too. I like the
idea of creating from nothing. The term jack of all trades master of
none is highly relevant, and it makes me sad that I haven’t been
knocked on the head with the thing.
The defining practice that allows you to crawl outside your skin and
look at yourself with admiration. I always did want to be better than
anyone at at least one thing, and I realize that is more about a
perception than a true reality. I suppose part of it is my insecurity
in making a good decision, or one. It scares me to think that people
live their lives towards the pursuit of such tangible things. I mean, no
matter what I do, or how happy I am doing that thing, there will always
be a curiosity to explore myself and talents further. I can never be
so flat, and constrained.
I work in a ghetto bar in Jersey City right now, in a place that is
full of men with broken dreams who drink their days and nights away.
It’s interesting, and somewhat humbling to be in that environment, but
quite unlike New York because people actually look you in the eyes and
are nice. I suppose in part of my hitting bottom process, it actually
is a good thing to see people who really struggle, and have made
somewhat of a career out of it. They aren’t below me, or less than me,
because I think people exist on the same planes with each other, it’s
just that certain individuals think it fitting to judge other people
because it makes them feel better. Huh, that is one thing that has
disappointed me about almost everyone I know in New York. They are so
jacked up on these ideas that they somehow exist in a different place
because they are stupid enough to pay several grand in rent to be in
the cool, magnetized ‘itness’ that New York tempts the world with in
reputation. But to pay thousands of dollars in rent to be in that
category is not interesting to me, and I really hope that I am always
humble enough to remember the struggle that lower and middle class life
has represented to me, no matter how high I reach. And when I consider
it I realize that of course of course I would. Because that is who I
am. I have worked hard for all that I have, and all that I am. And I
have struggled through uncertainty and baloney to come out pretty high
on top. My character has always been my hugest accomplishment. I treat
the people who respect me the best, and hold certain people in the
highest regard, simply because they represent what people I want around
me have. Strong character, honesty, beauty, creativity in the art of
living life, an open mind, and a yearning and lust for learning. The
people I have respected the most have embodied almost all of these
qualities, and especially in the department of open mind, because a
closed mind to me is the hugest social problem that we face. People who
have been so jacked that they actually have the ability to pigeon-hole
themselves or others into categories do not interest me, because
inherently the soul is dead in such a flat and unchanging plane.
I have been reviewing the choices I have made, or been forced to make,
and I have realized that all is not lost. Not on me, or anyone life
touches. I wouldn’t be who I am if it weren’t for these things. And no,
I have no smashing career that I can pretend to blow up and make more
interesting than it is, but I am proud of myself for what I have
accomplished in being able to overcome my struggles, both in a personal
and general sense. I am not stupid, and I my mind is a creative melting
pot. I am working on an undercover secret music project, and painting
still. I obviously am writing too.
I talked to these four guys who smelled like firemen/cops on Saturday at
the bar. They asked me why I moved to New York-er (New Jersey) and I
told them it was to learn how to tattoo. It is seriously the only thing
I could imagine doing in any kind of full-time sense. Someone pays you
to put your art on their body, and it dies with them. How romantic is
that? But then the reality of paying someone to teach you and not be
able to pay rent/bills is a bit more difficult than one might expect.
Then it was teaching, then it was psychology. They were pretty adamant
about me following my dreams, simply because I have nothing to look
back on by just going for it–no family guilt or obligation to anyone.
Move down shore they said, and I wouldn’t be so upset about being
closer to the ocean, simply for the power that it represents. And maybe
the detached feeling one gets by surrounding oneself with un-breaking
concrete could be dismissed by the moving of the ocean, and the nature
I have felt inherently more comfortable in than any beating heart of
city.
I would enjoy some dipping into formalized education, to prove to
myself, because no one else really can tell me that I would be a better
or smarter person with a formalized education. I am intelligent. I am
brilliant, I can write, and the world really hasn’t seen my full
capabilities unravel.
But soon they will.
Because I am not done fighting yet.
