normal sleep is a dream I plan to complete sometime soon

Well then…today I was a full one minute late signing in, which always aggravates me…this usually is preceded with some type of weird sleep pattern that needs explaining if you are a healthy person. I was asleep at 6pm yesterday somehow. Don’t feel bad for me, feel bad for Don, who is married to an elderly woman with a young lady face.

Man…that perspective thing I am always bitching about needed some recognizing from myself. The sheer number of people on these aortic dissection groups and the stories I keep reading where it’s just clear the people suffering went to the wrong hospital or didn’t have the expertise I had with my only rule–if you move, move somewhere in very close proximity to a teaching hospital. If you do this with a strange condition of dissection–any future dissections would be treated far differently than a regional hospital who has only a sliver of the resources a teaching hospital would.

So there is story after story of that, and I even tried to research a little more explicitly into the gene issue–and discovering things like…if I got cancer, it would be super resistant to chemo etc–and the sheer number of radioactive tests I have undergone…it is seeming more like an eventuality over a possibility anymore, which is even stranger for me to contend with–the idea of a disease I am not familiar with taking me out over the one which has slowly killed me for decades? Man, wouldn’t that be a twist in the story nobody saw coming…well, but me, now.

But let’s be realistic–it would be more appropriate if it were a texter taking me out since I hate it as much as I do.

But yeah…I have become very aware of the luck or whatever that still has me kicking around. I might have some issues with some other minor arteries but the big guys have all been done. Which…yeah I know I was UNIQUE. I mean–until last week I hadn’t even seen any photos of anyone with any of the same scars I had so that was kinda strange to see. But to be alive is not an easy thing, and definitely wasn’t easy for me to do. At the time it seemed like that was all that mattered, my body was trying to kill me, and I just kinda kicked it aside and did what I needed. So I went through it, came out and tried to do my best. And sometimes I did stupid stuff in hindsight…Hence–man, I am almost embarrassed to write this.

I actually used to do spinning–these were before my last big three a decade ago now–but years before that I managed a gym in NYC and would do spinning and use it as a tool–you can’t do this? I have had OPEN HEART SURGERY and can do it, you bet YOU CAN TOO.

I felt the need to remark this right there because yeah, it’s pretty terrible and maybe did exacerbate it…but–I lived to tell it so there is that.

So in my gratefulness and appreciation of my unique existence, though it’s maybe not an existence anyone else really wants but to EXIST…I am grateful I survived what I did so I can still do the things I want to do and see the things I need to see before it’s all taken away from me.

I saw this enough…what doesn’t kill you doesn’t kill you…until it does.

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