my discipline is shit and other stories
Man I could have used that title so many times it’s probably something I should be ashamed of being, but I am what I am and so that isn’t something I will bug out over at this time.
I did sit down to write before my class yesterday but got distracted as I often do and realized I was running later than I wanted. I would report on the food I ate but does anyone really care? Uh, no. I am not some shining example of success in really any world at this point, BUT I am trying. Also, part of my delay was me dealing with something I have been practicing avoidance on, and those were my student loans. I made the call as I am now 90 days overdue and felt the burden shifting in my head and wondering what the heck I should do. I called, proposed a few different scenarios I am living and tbh–the $60k lottery win seems like it’s just a dream. BUT–if I did win something that large it would have to go to pay that off so I could be a normal 40 something like most of my peers. One thing I am confident in is one, he’s not going to have to pay it off when I am dead, and really, while I am alive he really doesn’t have much responsibility for it at all. He did tell me when I left the job that might be the one thing I need to pay for and off and with the $500 every month 12 months out of the year that’s still ten years before I get the $60k which we all know I might not live to see anyways. So my scheming brain was like hmmmm. How could I do that, make $60k to pay that off in a year or two? I want to die knowing I did something right with that and I want it gone as it’s just a lame thing I did I wish I could take back still as again…all it ever did, going to that school, was qualify me to be a worthy conversationalist since ivy league meant I was above the class level I appeared to be in with all of my secondhand clothes, full time work schedule, etc. They were wrong of course, I certainly was never in the class level worthy of ivy league–I never hung out with anyone there really because I had to freakin work, and really every time I was on campus I was in my own made-for-tv movie in my own head revering the history and academic excellence a school like that represented. I thought being around it I guess would somehow rub off on me, but ultimately my ivy league failure was my own and I want to work it out. Or really just erase that whole endeavor from my record. Pay them off and never tell anyone again.
With that being said, I have 60 days to come up with a plan to make at least $500 a month up to whatever I can muster. Of course in my head I was doing the mental gymnastics of, how many t-shirts is that a month? How many pairs of earrings? Could I sell a combo of both every month to do that? Should I start painting, should I make some lamps to sell? Should I flip furniture, what the heck should I do? And the answer is probably a combination of all of the talents of my hustle, as there was a point in time where making money wasn’t something I struggled with as I always had a plan, or would get a job, or would figure something out. And I am in the camp of I will figure something out, but that involves a lot more than just wishing. One thing I am convinced of is not starting another $12 an hour job to make a bit over $15 after 6 years like I did last time as that’s not something I want to try and do again. If I can’t make it on my own, well, kill me and I won’t mind, universe.
Don is having some issues with the burden of his work and the stress of working with people who don’t really know what they are doing. I want to visit him but all of the methods have some drawback except maybe one, and that is Amtrak. Driving to Nebraska is just boring as hell alone and the scenery is more inspiring than Kansas but it’s not something you would necessarily choose to do to yourself. The flights are unfortunately very bait and switch. Advertise a $92 RT fare and then be shocked and amazed that doesn’t really mean a hundred bucks but more like $300, which is a hard thing to justify with having someone watch the dog and be away from home for however long while paying this expensive rent. $84 to get there while not driving, I can always justify. Takes the same amount of time with someone else driving? I am all in.
Soooo….now I have to figure out what to do with March, now that there is a possible pandemic out there shouldn’t I just stay close to him or at least out of the public? Maybe. I have two possible all day classes in March, April is still up in the air, and on the list is still…more classes. Sewing I hope to get by May. Pottery. More printmaking more painting.
Oh oh oh, BTW. Yesterday I did do screenprinting and I had this beautiful print that somehow got misplaced between the room and my home–all color with the heart logo in black from this site on it. I am a little mad about it as it was my absolute favorite but whatever. Someone else needed it more than me I guess. Sooo. I got home yesterday after my morning failure and did a vlog post. YES. I did that, but messed up the audio so it’s still un-posted but clearly is something I am still getting over (my hate of my face, voice, person, you know how it is).
Baby steps or babeh steps or teeny moves are still happening. Clearly never going to be a role model of perfection. You will never see me posting on instagram a perfect life as that would be a shitty lie. I don’t even know how to do the basic editing of photos–give me a filter, sure, but that’s really it. I also did take some instagram photos the other day and then overthought it all. In my head I was like whatever, people don’t know you, don’t care, won’t comment. And also in my head…this is a fucking permanent record. This is your first attempt. People will know!! And that is almost enough to avoid it all but again. I am still training myself. And with that…enough for this Friday. Have a sweet day party people. This site will be a thousand percent different come April–let’s hope it’s a lot better then than it is now. I have owned the site for over a decade, the blogs have been siphoned from my presence all over the web…and it’s one of the only things that means anything to me I didn’t lose or ruin…thankfully so.
