massholes in boston
today was one of those fresh stodgy dump-like days; a good testament and reminder of why it was i left this god foresaken place. too bad the education thing has been a fixation of mine-i want to get one so i might have to deal with all the bad psychomeanpeople that pervade this place. boston is one of those pit-stops we take to a better place, a training bra city, a place that can prepare you for better things later on but somehow seems so necessary in the interim. i wish it weren’t so but i had conversations with old friends about me being here and accomplishing it, finishing school, or just starting it already.
my heart isn’t here but my heart isn’t all swollen up with new york anywhere either- i have had my teeth and face kicked in too many times to be in love with such an abusive boyfriend (new york, that is). it’s cold, but not in the way that people in masshell are cold, but in that way that makes people forget what it means to NOT fore sake each other. as was stated to me in the most beautiful way: new york is like falling in love every day and having your teeth kicked in every night. it’s drained me, and i know that boston doesn’t inherently own my heart either. i have a feeling that my heart would beat best in a warmer place all washed in reds and yellows. the desert? I have a secret crush on texas, but I really don’t know where it came from. austin, anyhow. or simply the idea of austin. and the desert and the pink and the dry and the electrical storms and the dusty wind and the pine cones. i dreamed about texas before i moved to colorado. and when we moved to masshell it was all about colorado again.
i am torn like a jagged piece of glass- i want so much but I have pretty much killed myself in order to get it. And I have missed, on countless, countless occasions the mark. no, it’s not about regret because those are lessons unlearned, but about direction. I have been misguided, yes. I have done most of the driving so it’s my own fault.
Time to kick that shovel or burn it or something.
