in random news
It’s funny. I don’t think of myself as much of a fighter, especially in relationships. For some reason lately I have been doing nothing else with Johnnie. Fight fight, fight. Yesterday I did well in subduing an anxiety attack that was prevalent in my head. I think the reason I have been able to avoid psychologists and psychiatrists in general is because I just shut myself down. When people get angry with me, the issue slides off of me like wet mud. I just don’t let people get to me like that. Back some years ago I had this guy in my life who was a master manipulator; everything he accused me of was something that he was doing to me. I realize when people go overboard in freaking out, and pointing out issues, they are actually the ones guilty of the accusation. I don’t really necessarily think this is the case with him, but something feels awry.
Both he and I are sort of virginal to successful relationships, and he has been accusing me lately of trying to start fights so that we aren’t together. Funny thing is, most of the conflict originates on his end. I just don’t see much of a point in fighting over dumb shit, but somehow this has given him enough ammo to keep firing away. This, of course, leads me to sink into a silent reserved state, where I nod my head and concede that I am, indeed, an asshole. I really don’t think that I am and feel kind of bullshit that anyone would make me feel like this. I spoke with the manager at my gym about him this morning and I realize that it has less to do with me not liking him or even falling out of love with him. I do love him, and he is amazing. He makes me feel shit I am not used to feeling. He just has some fucked up security issues with me that I cannot quite figure out. He never seemed like the jealous insecure type, his friends have assured me of that. He even has said to me that I have made him this way. It’s weird. He has said to me on two occasions things that make me feel like he is really into this. Though the other day it was post-cherried with a statement about wanting to have his own kids. Of course anyone who knows me knows this is an almost impossible request. I used to be very anti-child, but as I have gotten older, I realize I could be a good mother. A really great mother in fact.
Either way when I started with him I felt like it was a fresh start for me. I just got a promotion to another gym. I will be selling memberships at the astor place Crunch location (on Lafayette near Astor place). It’s the busiest gym in the entire network, and my income will literally triple. I feel kind of nervous starting off anew again, but it is what I do best. It’s just the anxiety of the first day of work that freaks me out; getting to know people etc etc. I generally have no problems with anyone anyhow but in sales people are sheisty bitches; not too reserved to knife you in the back when you aren’t looking. But people are people and when money is at stake, people get ruthless. I don’t care so much about slamming everyone else as much as I care about ensuring I have a job, and I do well.
Let’s just hope that with all of this new change my life will kick ass. I feel better than I have in a while, and hopefully this will continue on…
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