I’m exhausted: emotionally spent
Sometimes I want to just ramble, and there are times like today I wish I could just pass out for a few days. I keep waking up at the witching hour, that horrid time between 3-4 am and I am unable to convince myself to go back to sleep. I start thinking, overthinking and getting wrapped into the traps of what if? There are a lot of what ifs in my life but I really do not have any regrets exactly. I do hope to continue on to get shit done–I did get that Corona site up–I did get the information moved here. I did start my VLOG on the tube of you. JFC btw with that–I really have so much respect for those who have no problem recording themselves. At this rate I’m just trying to get some stories out. What if I can’t type after this, I think the audio/video files would be easier to get through as clearly after surgery I shut up for the most part.
You can get pretty wrapped up in your own issues and forget about stuff after major surgery–luckily I have nobody counting on me but a silly dog and my husband who I offer nothing but constant encouragement and laughing. We literally laugh all day and there is nobody I like more…again…I have no friends. None. Even all these stupid help groups I am a part of to give people advice and encouraging words nobody ever addresses me with any sort of familiarity–I am not sure its pandemic-related or I now hate people entirely or people just hate me…but wow on my interactions lately. At this point I will either bomb you with too much information (why the heck would you want to know about my heart surgery?? you wouldn’t btw–I’ve tested that out)–or I just avoid talking too much. There are several women around here who are likely younger than me who probably really HATE seeing me out in the courtyard or having to see me at all. I can see some of their avoidance, and some of it I know I would probably avoid, too.
Not that I care inherently about what anyone thinks exactly–it’s why I continue to frequent the groups I do to offer my helpful advice (honestly a lot of it IS good advice)–I want to help people in any way I can. I try to add to the conversation, you’ll never see me berate anyone or criticize them–I will celebrate your good days of course and your good news and anything else you want to–I think we all need to acknowledge the positive in people and give more encouragement so I definitely make that effort. I will literally go out of my way to compliment someone for not wearing workout pants as I like to encourage good dressing. I definitely look like a homeless person most days, however, just to circle to the joke. This reminds me I need to write about getting jumped because yeah, that finally happened to me in life. It’s definitely one of those knock on wood situations I thought I could escape this life never enduring, but apparently I do look like a victim. Good thing I don’t ACT like a victim as the situation started with two fake gun knuckle fingers in my back which I very much deduced were NOT a gun and I spun around like the klutzy ninja I am and then ended up chasing the guy who had tried to hold me up out of the parking lot. I am the crazy lady you don’t mess with not to mention I HAD A HUNDRED POUND dog with me and I look like a homeless person and JFC that guy was like 5’7 and 135 lbs (I am 5’10 and 160 and meaner). He was desperate for cash but bc I obviously looked homeless at 6:10 am on a Saturday, he still is a freakin idiot. Some of the women in this complex thought my reaction might make these dudes think twice about holding up white ladies, but ultimately I am still mad I did not ninja him into the earth.
I need money. This is me asking the universe to help establish that in some manner bc I am broker than broke right now and my husband is flustered and tired and well…I am very exhausted as well. I need to get back to work AS SOON as I can. Videos shmideos nobody cares that much at this point I am still someone people ignore.
