I’d Rather Be Dead than Get Covid
I know, I know, who would want to be dead of something that has a 99.9% survival rate?
Well, let’s think about that a minute. Is surviving enough if you are left with a good possibility of early onset Alzheimers, or strokes? Is surviving enough to be neurologically impaired or lose your full kidney function or suffer heart damage? Is surviving in a further damaged state when you have already experienced the worst of what that does without the virus?
No, it’s not, and I am not well right now at all. I need this surgery but there is no amount of any help at all that seems to be getting me this vaccine. I could probably fly to Colorado and get it faster than I will here, and I am simply not going to check myself into any hospital consciously without getting the vaccine. Especially when I am hearing such and such Virginia hospital had over a dozen people die because the hospital did not follow CDC guidelines. Granted, this is not the hospital likely to do my surgery, but honestly–if you can’t trust healthcare to listen to the CDC, who can you trust? Your fellow citizens? No, no you can’t trust them either. That’s how 6 of Don’s colleagues are dead of covid right now–they got it, and though their own actions appear to be at fault, the fact that they exposed him to it over and over is not lost on me. The fact that they couldn’t NOT all get together at Thanksgiving and infect each other is what shitty people do who only care about themselves.
So I sit here, chest pained, feeling terrible as I have this and a bad tooth no less, and wondering how long I have to sit waiting for this damn vaccine. I have been on the list since January 19th, but somehow people older than me without ANY health issues at all are given priority. I mean, I guess, yeah, you’ve proven you can live to 60+ but we all know there is no way in hell I will be afforded such a luxury so making me wait weeks more for help isn’t entirely ethical. No, I am not in the sacrifice our old people camp, but I am in the let’s use some common sense here. If I was 16 and had cancer, would I also have to wait until my great grandparents were vaccinated to get help because I wasn’t working with the public? I guess I would, or maybe I would have doctors that gave a shit, something I am sorely lacking here. I mean, sure, I am sure some of them give a tiny shit, but ultimately I am once again having to endear myself to a new set of doctors to get to know me and think I am worth saving because this country is literally a garbage can on fire making people move clear across the country to get health insurance from jobs.
I think I have to start recording my goodbye videos to Don so he has something of me left–he’s one in 300 million and there is just no way I would have made it this long without him. And though we’ve had our ups and downs, he’s never failed me, ultimately, even in the small spaces where I thought he would. This would be ten years with him, and it’s certainly longer than I have gotten along with anyone else, but it does seem too short.
Anyways, yeah. I am dying every day now. I mean, yeah, I always was, but now I feel it. Now I know I am slowly draining of life and future and I wish I could fix it, but everything I try is failing. Don is at a loss, he can’t help beyond getting his ass vaccinated. I am trying to find the reason we came out here–there’s always a string of events you can tie where you are right now to, but right now we are living in a too expensive apartment I am trying to find an alternative for us to live in–yes, we have to move as soon as I can manage.
Will it be after my surgery? Probably. Will I be able to do that? Who cares, I have no choice and I hope I can muster the energy to do it for the fifty billionth time. I am sick to death of moving, he wants to buy a place and all I can think is if I was dead, he’s be in a much better place to do that. He would save boatloads on my healthcare and insurance costs. He would have the freedom to find a smaller space. He would be fine without me eventually–and so, I’d rather be dead than get covid. If I do get it without the vaccine to survive it, well, now you all know what happened. I know how to do it “accidentally” and without pain as I did a ton of research in years past when it looked like my very existence was going to bankrupt me, my friends, and any family I had that gave a shit.
This life is fucking exhausting and sometimes does seem to want to prove itself too much to be worth it.
