I turn myself inside out
hmmm.. Another productive day in slacker land, where the hair gets left mussed, unbrushed, the teeth the same, and your pants stick to your legs like wet paper because you slept in them last night..
I was telling Francis today I just don’t give a fuck what I look like, what I am perceived as. She remarked that we must be like neighborhood mysteries: she in the same pants and shoes and jacket everyday, and me, half the time going out like a slick dignified fashion icon, and the other times wrinkled, covered in dog hair, hair sticking up at whatever angle it comes out, shades perched precariously on the tip of my nose. These days I smile with satisfaction at the apparent oxymoron that is my existence. I really don’t give too much of a fuck anymore what I look like. Today is my day off. I haven’t changed my clothes from what I wore to work yesterday. Tomorrow is my day off as well and I actually might put forth the effort to change into what I feel comfortable in; that being something from the army of mass that is my wardrobe.
I wonder about this whole perception or process of getting close to someone else. No one wants to acknowledge they care too much; that because it puts you in an unfortunate position of actually being able to be hurt, to be vulnerable to the person that holds your heart. I myself am actually not in a position to stick my neck out to be severed, but the mere utterance or thought of such “love” makes me nauseous. Makes me wanna vomit all over myself.
I suppose it is about being on the same page as the other. Perhaps you are reading this and proverbially lie in the same space of thoughts that’s in my head.
All I know is that you continually scare the shit out of me. What that means is not up to me to interpret, it just is. I suppose keeping each other at a distance, at arm’s length, only makes sense. I, myself am not up to judge what conundrum exists with both of us. I feel underqualified to put any name to anything but extreme satisfaction, adoration, respect and affection for someone who time and time again, doesn’t disappoint.
And that’s my addendum to the previous post.
squish
-me
