I try to picture music around me every day
Today I actually listened to a CD and it didn’t hurt. Of course it was Morningwood’s debut album, something I tried to sing to: it was actually pretty hysterical given my voice works at 60-70% of what it used to. Laura came over and brought me chicken stir fry and we hung out and chatted a bit. She is getting married on Tuesday and I am so happy that she is so happy.
I cried when I told her how much all of everyone’s help has meant. When someone visits or calls I am usually flustered thanking them because…because I am not sure why. I guess I never expected anyone would be there for me, that people wouldn’t be so eager to help. Even my neighbor has made my life easier, taking the dog out in the morning.
Though my days accomplishments are pretty pathetic to the people who are actually living. It’s like “wow! I sat up today for 4 hours! I haven’t taken a pain pill since 4 am! The bald spot that appeared on my head the other day after being so bed bound is starting to stubble up and grow back! I watched 4 hours less TV than I did the day before! Two new people emailed me!” This is my list of accomplishments today—I know you’re impressed.
I am finding it really hard to be creative physically. The ideas are there, they always have been but I am somewhat weak. As I sit here I am in pain. My upper back is a wreck from the pulling from the swelling of the front of my chest. I don’t have sensation any longer from my incisions down 6 inches. The skin I know is mine but I can no longer sense touch. It makes me sad for all of the boys who never listened when I told them I liked my neck to be kissed. Now the top has sensation but the bottom is dead forever. At least they missed destroying the private areas…I would be angry to never sense nice touch anywhere again.
Yes. Today was nice. The dog and I went out for a walk. I guess I will post this for the days in the future where time to think will be a valuable and rare commodity. Sorry I’m so fucking boring.
i wanted to come by and visit tonight but i got screwed out of my 12-8 shift 🙁 now i’m working til midnight, like every other day this week. i’m off on sunday though, so i will make plans to come by then. take care meanwhile missy xo.
yay visitors!
Thanks Ms Anne. You rule the world…
😉
IAM alive 🙂
enjoy
Re: IAM alive 🙂
thank you both for all of your love and acceptance.
iam alive tomorrow since I’ve exhausted my ass today.
😉
I love you Francis! XOXO
francis
I love you Francine!
Why does the music hurt? That shouldn’t be!
Sucks about the numbness. I take it the had to sever some nerves for the surgery.
sterile
Hospitals are very sterile environments that are hard to shake once you get acclimated to their pace: smells noise sound. There were literal times when I had to get the hell out of the room because my room mate got food from the outside world that smelled like literal shit to me while it was inside.
The same concept applies with smokers and sound. Smokers smells are so powerful so strong, it can make you totally hurl. When I was in for my first and second surgeries from October 1995 through January 1996, it took me months to get used to listening to music, reading books, etc etc.
And yeah, the place they worked me in my neck is all nerve bundles that can’t be fixed unfortunately. No more sensation, no more nothing.
Oh well. At least I’m alive they say.
Francis, here is the post: http://tht-tne.livejournal.com/93372.html?nc=9