I scheduled the thing: ON-X
Uhhhhhh. That’s pretty much the sigh I’d love to make. This is actually maybe not going to be as easy as I suggested, just given the situation and the possible outcomes. Again, the goal every day is maximum nutrients, maximum practice of good behavior. No drinking, limited sugar (but I love those cream puffs, so), specific diet inclusions. I’m taking estrogen for the hot flashes, and msm to help alleviate the inflammation. Today is almost 7 weeks from entry so today yoga restarts-I’m gonna start slow. Also, 10k steps a day I can do, but this heart ain’t great, the gradient he said was a 44 or 48 was it? I have no idea, honestly I don’t care-I know this needs to be done, and I plan on being a hero, at least. I hope this doesn’t end up being some sad statement referred back to as some kind of legacy agreement where I end up referred back to when people find this in a few years. That would suck.
So I am doing the things you’d do if you had some notice of certain obstacles-I contacted a girl who used to be my best friend who saved my ass as a teenager, really, to let her know I wished her a good life and gave her credit for saving my ass. I already contacted my birth mother when I was having issues last year about forgiving her for throwing me away twice, so that is done. If nothing else, it’s kinda soul cleansing to know people who were important to your forward development knew it–so when I do make it through I get a chance to have a clean slate free of any regrets. I know, I’ve said I don’t believe in regret, as it’s an unlearned lesson-but some things you want to firmly turn the page on after reading it through.
Beyond that I am kind of oscillating between hints of full panic (should I be tempting fate again?) and calmness (obviously you’ve had practice, this should be easy). I don’t know what’s going to happen as the date draws near, but if I thought I wouldn’t make it, I would probably just leap out of a plane without a parachute because dying on the ground in the hospital doesn’t have any of the glory of flying.
Everything else is just trying to make sure I have everything set up to be taken care of to save my poor husband the grief of having to do it all himself. I contacted the crematorium to ask them if they offered a basic take and bake. The burn and the box, basically. I am not sure where I’d want him to sprinkle me, I just have a desire not to end up in a yard sale so I want my shit thrown in the water, over a volcano or a cliff asap.
