I really need to be better
I have like 7 drafts, half-written, hidden inside here I have typed over the past few weeks. But I have also been busy, as I tend to spend my time a lot better than I did previous to this job switch. I think that as a person I became a little too accustomed to being the victim of circumstance, addicted to the negative, entrenched in problems to the level that not only was it my job title, I spent a great deal of time exposing myself to more problems and conflict. I literally got so addicted to problems I made it a literal part of my job title.
I realized after a few weeks that sales is the happy part of the company, and there is a reason. Nobody is going to call you and complain before or as they are buying if you are a good salesperson. And if you are an even better salesperson you make it so that any problems that might arise would never be of your own doing.
And that is who I have become. And as a result, I simply have no time to ponder the world’s problems all day long. If I was surrounded and immersed in problems, sure, every day, but at this point, and really since December 2017–I have been trying to solve problems and had been so immersed in problems that solutions were far off things. It takes getting thrown away by your birth mother twice in a lifetime, some heady realizations with your husband, and a blood clot totally alone to kick start your inner fire to fucking do something worth doing. I am a little mad at myself for not seeing it the way it was, but I suppose imagining yourself in a better place is not quite the same as putting yourself there to experience it.
So, we are moving downtown. Like near downtown and Rhino downtown and wow, is it expensive. But as a result of busting my ass with sales, I expect to be able to weather the increase to our general expenses. He wants to buy something one day and no, not something I can have necessarily given the state of healthcare here, but I would love to be involved.
I am hitting my third week in the new position and really didn’t have free reign to sell until the past week. And I am beating people who have been there for longer than I have in that position and I am realizing I have the absolute right ideas on it. Make it personal. Send thank you notes and cards. Remind people it is YOU who brought them that joy.
At this point the world is still crazy but I don’t have to be crazy in it or expose myself to the worst parts of it. People are still living great lives in the midst of all of this chaos.
The fact that I blasted my own blood clot out is pretty fucking outstanding, I will say. The fact that nobody wants to give me credit for it is not something I can give a shit about anyways. They told me it could not be done and I did it. I am alive because of my own ingenuity and curiosity. Yeah, I found the right doctors and surgeons and yes *I* found them. Nobody sent them to me, I did my research and tracked them down. I have experimented with all of the different therapies and ideas on wellness. I have never been lazy in solution finding, clearly what with my problem obsession and all. I have done the Landmark forum. I have done accupuncture, reiki, qigong, tai chi and yoga. I have taken so many different supplements and herbs. I have smoked weed, I have done mushrooms. I have done molly and all of those things in recent years. I did acid alone, twice, much younger, as my friends I didn’t have all the trust in then. Now I barely have any but I have Don and I do trust him implicitly because he has proven himself very trustworthy. The point is you cannot expect to solve any problems depending on one source. I recently reached out to an ACTA2 office and found myself realizing that I was harassing them to show them how I did it, when they didn’t ask and they do not care to really know. Why? Because I felt like that was the last route of rejection to explore. When you get rejected by everything from your own body to your birth mother, you would think you could expect not to be rejected from groups who you had something in serious common with-but, you would be wrong.
Anyways, the point of this is. Drop the shit that burdens your soul and you will be a happier person. I was so addicted to PROBLEMS that is all I had. I know a lot of it is the messaging I got as a kid. I was a problem, never one to be supported in any way. A problem, a loser, a witch, and sometimes even a bitch was uttered. So I go into adulthood with all that fresh on my brain, dissect a bunch and then think that is all I get?
Oh hell no, I paid my dues, world, let the happiness in.
