I have this half curled up…
Lately I have been contemplating my future, and my present, all because I have seen my past.
The other night I saw J, and it hurt, to see him, realizing it was not me with him. i was apart from him. And although it has been a long time since we were ever seen as one, it makes me wonder, if certain events had transpired, or other ones had not, would we ever have found each other snuggly patched into the same sentence again?
and I realize, while looking at my past, how very much my present makes sense. i ended up with someone the exact opposite of him. someone comfortable, though sometimes maybe overly so. of conveying emotion. being weak. and in my weaker moments, the ones where i am judging everything around me, i realize that being the caretaker is not a role i want to be in for any great length of time. ever since j and i parted it has been all about that, taking care of various loose ends, people without roots, people who have roots but no base.
and i think back to that thursday in may, when things might have changed. and i wonder what purpose the incident was for, what ends were expected of the means. i suppose he might have been purged out of my conscious being for longer, but ultimately it is everyone who measures up to him. he is the comparison point, the variable of comparison. and even in his retardation, emotionally rooted, everything else about him seemed to be a perfect fit. his adoration of his family and his friends. his friends and part of his family seemed to adore me. and i embraced all of his life much as it was my own, homing in on conversations of his work, always taking a great interest in what caused his blood to stir. hoping i would be a part of that bubbling boil.
but somewhere along the line part of the string was cut. for reasons he never ever said. and though i can assume and ponder and meander the lines back and forth and back again. i will always wonder.
but there is only one fact that comes of all of this that I am well aware of. this idea of permanence, dependence, knowing when “it” is really it, and right is really right. it’s all an idea that seems to escape me. confidence. i guess in some ways my confidence is slipping a bit. and i wonder back when i was going to move to Boston, if maybe he would have been purged from everything i was about.
as the fetus said to me recently. i asked him how he dealt with it. me knowing the magical grab of your first love. which is truly who j was for me. and he said, my advice to you. is to not talk to him. that’s what i did with her. and now i look like a dick when i do call, so i don’t.
and maybe yeah, maybe i still just look like a jerk. being with someone else. but still thinking of him. and maybe that comparison point that he exists as is some insane validation point for me. a point where all points converge. and maybe i will stop trying to find a “one”. I suppose when you come from a space and point and time that I do. that being alone is scary. and the reason i am still with anyone at all. as it was said to me then, that weekend in may. i accepted you, all of you. who else has done that? i could have given you a good life, been there for you. and my rational mind kicked it and grabbed furiously at the idea. someone accepting me.
and maybe the one is a matter of growth. maybe it’s a mixing of experiences to figure out who and what you want to be at the end of the day. i am well aware of myself. my strengths, and my weaknesses scare the shit out of me.
i suppose. this idea of a one. maybe this one will find me. or maybe i will find it. all i know is this:
it’s all a big headache.
