I feel this nostalgia, a bitter taste to the tongue

I woke up today, after about three and a half hours asleep, and felt
pretty fucking good about it actually. I danced in the early afternoon,
practicing singing, and doing crazy little stripper moves in the
mirror. No one was going to shit on my day, because it was so warm and
lovely. The only better thing would have been a nice ocean dip. Though
I prefer bluer waters to the Atlantic’s steely grey.

But I made a big fat huge mistake. In my delirium, I forgot to
push my deposit into the envelope at the bank. My check could come
through tonight, the one I write every month at the same time, for my
health insurance, and like a moron, I forgot..until
4…Sometimes even I amaze myself in my ability to completely back
myself into a corner, but I did my freaking out on the train.

I don’t blame anyone for it, that’s for sure. But I am mildly shocked
at my irresponsibility. I have never missed this payment like this
before.

But if I lose it. And something happens. I don’t wanna talk about it.

Regardless, I was talking to Amado last night and he was talking about
energy transference between things, animals, more specifically. I was
raging when I came home and my dog was whimpering before I even had to
say anything. So I sat with her and pet her because she shouldn’t have
to deal with that shit. But the people I keep running into are feeding
off my forget you energy. While I was on the train, I thought of my new
t-shirt idea. Which is this: Here’s a novel idea. “Why don’t you move
your shit so someone else can sit?”

I cannot stand the seat hoarding people who pervade the path trains and
subways. It’s like, come on buddy, close those legs. You aren’t
on your couch stuffing down pork rinds. And more than likely, the
people with their knees spread are the ones who are a little bigger
than average, which makes it thrice as rude, if you ask me.  Most
of the time I want to start chucking things at their heads, but my
common sense is ever-present over the boiling anger, so I deal with it.

There are a few people who have witnessed the deanna freak out, whereby
everything in my house is thrown in corners, on the ground, shoes
chucked across the room, whereby I sit there berating myself verbally
much as my mother used to, for being stupid and stupid and an idiot. Somehow, it
feels like it makes sense to do that, most of the time.

Today I caught myself. Can’t change the past. Can only work on the now.

It makes me vomit internally and emotionally to try to displace that
rage at myself. When people try to calm me down with sweetness,
generally it doesn’t work unless you are right in front of me. I can
never refuse a hug, even if I want to claw my own eyes out. Phone
niceness seems to backfire. Most of the time when people are trying to
be nice to me in this condition, I get rude and smirky and want to
shoot myself in the head, proverbially anyways. Like, when you wanna be
sad and miserable, sometimes it’s better to just let things be. Yeah,
it sucks to feel like that, but it’s just the way shit rolls sometimes.
And for me, my rage lasts like 2 hours max. Then I decide to just wash
it away, and think about better shit.

This is the better me. It’s my golden year. And I have to make every
moment of it count. Even if it is just to realize I am human and can
make mistakes.

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