growing up…

I have been going through some interesting motions. Claiming responsibility, giving in, making myself understand that shit, as terrible as it may be, and people, as disappointing as they can be, are intrinsic to the human experience. And no, not in that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger fantasy land. But, when I look over the hills and dips of my life, I can actually start to take responsibility for where things went wrong, and more importantly, where I was right. Instinct in its purest form will never deride or derail you in the wrong direction. Paranoia, on the other hand, has this way of grabbing your throat and choking all rhyme or reason out of the situation.

I have been growing quite a bit lately. This year, my morphing year, has allowed me to grow bigger in mind and spirit than in years past.

Take, for example, the fact that I speak with maybe 5 to 6 pregnant women a day at my booking job. And then combine that with my own inability, and my mind’s time comparisons…and well, you get the picture. Life is pretty hard when you have to feign happiness for people who have more than you do. And I am not talking about a baby, but the obvious means to spend ridiculous amounts of money on grooming, which then translates to being able to take care of a baby etc. A few girls I spoke with today were moving back to the city from their suburban lives abroad, now that they’ve had their babies, or were close to giving birth to them. And I wondered what was so awful about living somewhere quiet and clean and gentle. New York can be battery acid on the spirit when you compare it to other places. But I suppose, like a junkie needs his fix, the people who ignite off the city’s energy need it to really feel alive…

Yeah, so that’s me. And then, yes, I will be 29 in just a few weeks. And yeah, how exciting that will be.

HA! I have had one of the worst birthdays since I was 21. To the point where I can recall not one of them, no details, since then. Not one fabulous thing has happened, and it always seems to be the point where the asshole spikes come out full force. From everyone. Which is fine. I never claim to have a billion friends….but sometimes to pretend is just fun.

From that point on I really realized that I don’t have anyone to fall back on. Not in that you have your family to fall back on kind of way. I have friends….very few. Most of them would probably be graded a fat D- for effort. But I never really did either. But I have been reaching out more to people. Calling them. Hanging out. I have a lovely pal in Xiomi, my hot cuban model friend. She’s the only girl in the city I could say is not only dependable, but just a big bad ass. She’s my favorite girl in the city, by leagues.

And I have been feeling bad about meeting people late.

And I’ve been meeting people who will help me get to where I am going.

To elaborate further would be boring…anything more is too much.

Though when I was walking past Union Pool on the way to my house last night, I noticed how very much like piles of batting the clouds were strung out over the BQE…muddled in navy blue. Perfect in just the right way….

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