Funny things about life
Why it is that I continually have expectations of people who don’t necessarily deserve the testing involved that life throws us on a daily basis.
So-I care about someone, and he doesn’t really have the capability of understanding it or knowing how to handle it. Reciprocal feelings are not so discounted but I am tired of dealing with the hordes of unfeeling people that have been my experience in New York. Though parts of me can give in to my selfishness in wanting to feel or be with someone who has the ability to give to someone who is nothing more than energy constricted into a tight and diseased body. I am a creature who has gained increased emotional sensitivity because of my health experiences but I feel as though I deserve much better than the standard blazeh pseudo-energy that people misplace into situations because they know no better. I want and need something that is probably not in the cards for me.
Half of me wants to give up on the game, and not because I was obsessed with playing or finding a worthy opponent, but because I can give nothing but pain and loss if anything ever synthesized properly. It is totally the way things have been for so long, and it has been where I always fall short. I would much rather have fallen alone in the end than bring someone else down with me.
A friend of mine thinks I am very fatalistic with my life, but I am just very very rational. I am trying to do the best that I can do with what I have: a whole heart, consciousness, love for myself and the very aspect of love keeps my heart pumping and emotional well-being satisfied. The people around me I count as extremely valuable and would never trade in a minute’s worth of ignorance of this for temporary lightening-induced passion.
The truth remains that I am almost too immature and soft to be dealing with issues of life and death.
Love hate war and peace. All separated by lines that are too vague to really understand. And honestly, if love and hate are separated by such a fine line, then why is it that people are trashed for hating themselves after loving themselves too long?
The more I think about this, the more I realize this man has not earned the pain and outcome of this situation that is inevitable.
Ah, echo-cardiograms. At least I have seen my heart. Beating bleating broken and quaking.
