fission and the vision
Progress regress movement all the time. That’s kind of what you hope for a life, but the past few years things have been a little stagnant in the fort complex apartment community I have lived in and I am just done. The whole almost dying again thing kind of made that a little more urgent–and yeah I think now I have to focus on making what I CAN happen in places where resources for that might be a bit more plentiful.
Living in Cap Hill was somewhat better than some places I’ve lived here in terms of community but I think there needs to be a big change in my life so we can get the hell out of here finally and I can have as close to that life as I’ve tried to over the years. We’re going to head downtown somewhere and yeah, it’s expensive, but the $500 increase in rent from where we’re at I can quantify into a sum I’d pay to be closer to some inspiration I’ve been missing in the space I’ve been surrounded by lately–plus that’s like 16 bucks a day. I’ve been reading all these stories about wishing for the thing and really envisioning the thing you want and seeing yourself get it and part of me is trying to wish for a giant money windfall but I realize we need to make more than that of our envisioning. Perhaps the vision board of things I’d like to do before I die. But make it clearly bigger than I might achieve just in case it is achievable, but ultimately something needs to happen. I’ve found condos downtown I want but they’re no joke, $5-$600k for anything worthy but up to a million for the cleverest ones. I want that and a place in Amsterdam, as owning something wouldn’t be the worst idea maybe, if my time is short anyways. Wouldn’t be mine anyways, the one here, of course, but my heart can sit inside it and I can own Amsterdam’s instead. Part of me thinks I’ll be able to dig myself out of my financial hole if I just do the work, like my body cannot be THAT expensive to maintain at this point since I’d assume the majority of the work has already been done and if my brain goes, who knows how much I’ll have left to work with anyways. But I think the most expensive surgeries have been done and I hope to die not live in a coma or as less than half myself because half of me is better than most of you, trust me on that hahahaha. I am kidding but that’s my own joke to have, thank you very much.
So, I’ve gone to sales which does mean I do sell travel, which does mean I’m going to start having to go out in public and selling myself more. Not just for that, for EVERYTHING, since I’m headed out of this life sooner than most, I won’t curse myself with any more 8 year, I mean 18 or 28 year limited timelines but let’s appreciate our luck when we can and realize, it’s time to do the things I’ve always wanted. One, publish something for real. I’ve got a million stories and poems but you know me. I just keep all the copies to protect myself from nefarious theft but I’ve done virtually nothing with much but the birds are coming out soon to roost. That’ll make more sense in the future but for now, I’ve got to get the art show, at least one, maybe 4. And reading and book and stories published. In the meantime I still have to get the political website up and the deco love so I can keep things current. Oh, and I’ve also decided to send random notes out to friends whose addresses I have. Email heartsandscars@gmail.com with your address if you want something random from me which would fit inside a stamp or three. I started writing my grandmother every week I think I mentioned, and I threw in a letter to another friend last week. I’ve even considered a note to some older friends I’ve lost most touch with and maybe even one who decided to hate me recently because I just don’t fucking buy the hate everyone is trying to pawn off around me into the world. Don went off on his Americans are mean tangent last night and I find it hard not to agree, but that’s most assuredly a learned behavior given I think at our core we are meant to be good and good to each other. We are a cooperative species, most of us, and we forget that all of the fucking time in our efforts to try and outsmart each other, generally in some attempt to hoard resources. Even intangibles like self-righteousness–think about it, that is kind of a hoard over the resource of empathy, literally sucking all other reasoning out as reasonable at all.
In any case, I think that is the general issue with the world right now–we have fucking forgotten how to be cooperative and some of you truly believe you could get along without anyone else. The fact you are reading this right now is a sign of that given the intentions and connections of the internet are not to isolate and condemn or even encourage exile in physical or self righteous terms. It might give you tips on how to fully manifest the I can’t get along with anyone asshole deep inside you, but we really need to start recognizing the value in having our community and what that community brings ultimately to the yes, community around it. Being able to recognize the individuals in the group and understanding their contributions–think about it the next time you go out, the regular people you encounter everyday seem to be the ones who help us along in unspoken ways, from being cooperative out in the world or pushing better gestures and encouragement to those around them. I try to always compliment women in dresses simply because I want women to feel beautiful but also encourage anyone not wearing yoga pants exclusively around. I am kind of an asshole driving because I hate the uncooperative nature of other drivers, but that just makes me the one not going with the flow, the constant texters among you though I am certainly never ever going to join that party ever. I have to change that about me consciously by consciously recognizing how I am feeling and not letting the rest of you ruin me. I am constantly looking around me in every direction but have still been caught off guard even by my own lack of attention and that is really just a testament to my lack of certain aspects of spatial awareness, which was probably something that got stroked out of my brain since I never used to be that stupid. I am admittedly thinking of one incident last night specifically, but truth be told, I would not be the person to save us all in an apocalypse. In fact I am the one always questioning why more people don’t kill themselves over being eaten or starving to death more often in movies, that is how not committed I am to my own personal survival in most outcomes of terrible situations like those in most horror movies realized on film and in my own head.
So yes, moving will happen and so will further completion and I signed my offer letter of demotion recently to sell, which is a demotion in pay, but certainly not what the average agent makes at all per hour. All in my efforts to protect the at home nature of my job initially, now I see it as an opportunity that moving I am hoping might have some return on my investment in time and energy. If nothing else, life will be more entertaining, I am positive. And I still haven’t finished all my copywriting stuff because I am a bit of a drunk on weekends and asleep by 8 or passed out halfway most nights. I think this might have to do with my general starvation diet where I am fasting large parts of the days because I’ve been sick the past week and some but before that I just wasn’t motivated to cook to the level where blueberries sat in my fridge for 2-3 weeks in those magical Rubbermade produce savers, btw. But they are frozen or cooked at this point so all worked out. But I do not eat well most of the time which accounts for certain energy factors I am sure of it.
Today I am going to go get some Palisade peaches because oh my god if you haven’t had one, they are simply incredible and the untouched half of the freezer is for those now.
I wrote on several different themes last week–sitting in half written drafts–sorry for the silence world, you still give a lot to me. But I do live, motherfuckers.
