Feeling ambivalent? Yes, I think so!

Today’s day started off with a frisky traffic wake up call at 5:30 am. The BQE, see, runs just in front of my window and if I were to stand on my roof, could probably launch some rocks or whatnot onto the tempered highway. Given that the skylights are the only route to good light, and air, even if it’s just carbon monoxide (which I guarantee that it is), it’s important for me to feel some connection to the outside world even if it’s just through cinderblock walls and into thick polluted air.

Lately there has been a war inside myself I like to mask with sleep, or laziness. It’s really hard to figure out which one takes precedence over the other, because they both have the same result. Just in one I am unconscious, and in the other, just barely. It is not an existential kind of war, but a war of intentions, of future telling, or finding a calling. These war games I play with myself often, but certain individuals very close to me (in fact the only individual “close to me”) have set out a new kind of push, motivation of sorts, to get shit done.

This new job has possibilities, given that being there for five years will give you four weeks of vacation. Which is not so bad, and while certainly my aspirations far outweigh any booking agent job at any spa, it is also an absolute necessity to go to school and work full time as well. So to work full time and in five years pop out with possibly something new, or different, and to be able to disappear for four weeks is kind of exciting. Regardless of whether that happens now or later, at some point in my waking life I will have a degree.

I am currently taping the walls, in preparation for the frisky bright red paint that will adorn them in just a few hours. Of course, given my human interaction for the next several days (can you say Sunday?) will be with my dog, this half-focused direction may be more of a regularity than a rarity.

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