Every Once in a While…Thank god, or the Universe for the Surprise
There’s been some monumental shifts lately in the way things are working. It’s like finally something snapped and things are really going to be alright.
I would elaborate but still feel the tendency to cloak my good news in generalities just in case they don’t fully ripen though this fruit is a bit sweeter than most. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow the piece of mail we are hoping for will arrive. Or rather, pieces in fact. It’s been a slow build toward something better, more solid, and it’s been slow but it’s been happening. I
I asked and I pleaded for the universe to hear my cries to get the fuck out and it is through an ironic and somewhat unbelievable direction–but it’s happening in some ways which relates directly to the quality of my life in certain respects, and to its detriment in others, but all in all we made some great moves last year, and my winging it in a lot of respects paid off. Where we moved, even that relationship ending as it did–all in all you have to find the positives to these situations. And then try to push the good up so you can see it.
For a while it was hurt, it was pain, it was the revisiting the same shit that burned me for years and years all over again. You didn’t want me then. You didn’t want me now. You didn’t want… I had to find a way to be okay with it all–the last time I split my shit open was because of heartbreak and heartache of the worst kind. The kind of resulting shit, a literal tear in my vessels, not the thing to revisit if you can. I did it a few times and those were some of the worst losses I had.
I suppose I thought I lost the mother I never had again.
But she was not my mother even in the same most rudimentary ways I have mothered others. She is someone’s mother, two in fact, but not so much my own. I don’t think that is the way she wanted it, but it was always obvious when it all came down to that. When it all boiled down, I was a novelty, not a family member. I did make things happen, made the actions I did have equal positives, the ones I promised I suppose, what $13000 for an apartment that’s still not finished because I was in such a rush to help those babies. Believe who people are when they show you. Check that box, Deanna.
I suppose I have largely always felt like the motherless child, emotional connection and anyone truly giving a shit how I turned out totally absent from mother of my daily, weekly or yearly realities over the past several decades—my mother, mom as she is sits in Tennessee with my dad, impervious to most specifics of my life because that would require she look a little more outside herself. Maybe this is just the default position of mothers–how the hell would I know, after all?
It’s okay–that is the default position of most people in this world. Ignore it until it lands, burning and on fire in your living room.
All I know is what we are making and doing finally will lead to better ends than the everything seems like it’s been a diseaster beginning Don and I have had…
And finally I can breathe knowing my efforts to twist the universe, to bend it to my will, finally worked. It took more than wishing, some serious action to accomplish, but this was all because of me. I can admit it, because it’s true.
I can
