E is home and everyone knows

Exactly how happy this makes me…Too long too far away prancing all over LA without me makes Deanna a sad sad girl.

Today is a reactive day, not proactive simply because I am not in that time and place lately too make my own destiny. Except in regards to the healer, who has somewhat of a magic touch. Emotional and spiritual negatives seem to be getting filled to the brim lately..which is his theory on why so many random people have been there to help me. For cryin out loud I have two care packages arriving within the next few days. This makes 14 people who have stepped to the plate to help in any way they could (not including my parents or Babs)…Thanks, lady Anne, for the present and visit yesterday…it meant a lot.

That’s maybe 12 more than I expected would really be there be there. It’s pretty interesting in concept when you realize people really do want to help. Shali (the healer) said it was because I was removing a lot of the negatives (including people) in my life…and to expect there would be an influx of friends to help and to care; that there would be people who should and would not be there…for their negativity or because they live in a perpetual negative state of mind which would not assimilate appropriately into my world.

It’s funny, because a few nights before he said that I sat awake at night thinking of my old friend V, and how she never sent the money she owed me even when I told her I was on food stamps, and how her girl called me while I was in my hospital bed to tell me not to call and wake her and V up…that I was not welcome to call my friend and ask her to visit…that sickness did not bridge jealousy and irrational hate, that need was ignored and shit was talked with no defense. And I realized a valuable lesson about this kind of person…which was truly a landmark for me. There are people in life who are worth it, because friends are friends and will always be friends despite who you date. There are people lacking ideas that vampire off your spirit and your good intentions, that need help decyphering life because they have no idea…There are people who are worth it, and there are people who are not. I only realized this after I talked to Shali…because I was kind of incredulous to V’s ignoring of what I thought should have been a very cut and dry request. You owed me money so you should send it, right? But then I realized rationale and good were shelved long before, and I should not have had any expectation that she would call or send me my money at all. That she had somehow justified it because I actually defended myself publicly to someone who was unwantingly reading my journal and commenting on stuff to V..hateful vile stuff, actually. And it came to me after I was talking to Shali. I actually feel bad for both of them. I feel pity for them because right and wrong are so removed from their worlds that it isn’t even clear what meaning it all has..And I don’t hate either one of them. I just feel really indifferent. It took my months to say it…but I am finally over it. ..I don’t expect my money back. I don’t expect to talk to V ever again. I have my good memories…and I had some bad…but even they are fading to the background. She doesn’t matter anymore. She is not a part of my world. She is not a part of the positive force that kept me going despite the difficulties. And for that I am so grateful, so appreciative that I claim the situation null and void.

And in happier thoughts…some landmark stuff…a two hour sushi dinner complete with saki on Saturday night. I sat up the whole time and ate an ungodly amount of sushi and had a really great time with my friend Laura. She’s getting married tomorrow to her Argentinian fellow…and I am excited to meet him and congratulate them both tomorrow evening. My body’s responses are getting stronger, more defensive to the negative energy in the world. My mind is following suit. I have this crazy open heart surgery within the next 3 or 4 weeks…but it’s okay. I’m not done…and I’m not afraid. I actually wasn’t afraid with the first two either…beyond the tears I shed when I was wheeled into surgery the first time and said goodbye to E and my family…I couldn’t believe I was doing it…

But yeah. There’s a swelling of pride. I did it. I live in pain and I barely complain. But I made it. I kicked the odds in the pants and I won…

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