Dreaming or Dying?
One thing about not smoking weed is your dreams come back with a vengeance. I am not totally prepared for them, as I am pretty sure when you are dreaming in sequential order from youth to current, it might be a sign of things to come. Right now I am in my mid-twenties dreaming, I’ve already done a chunk of my early 20’s so I am kind of crawling back through dreams that have been sitting my in brain for the past few decades.
I’ve tried and tried to get this damn vaccine, but it appears people older than me are getting ahead of me in line, even with less or no health issues, we are prioritizing people who have already been graced with long lives to get chances my genes have ensured I will never get close to at all. I am not asserting we should sacrifice our elderly, no, but there should be some common sense used in some of this vaccine allocation, as right now I’m a slight worried I am going to die waiting for my turn. And the longer I am forced to wait, the greater likelihood there is I will need to get a pacemaker as my heart rate has been sitting in the mid to low 40’s over the past few weeks. It explains my tiredness and weakness in most parts of the day, but the pain isn’t quite at the level I would need immediate treatment. On top of the fact I told them I needed to wait until he and I were in a better place–he’s had both his shots so my getting this virus at this rate would be the hospital, and I just do not trust anyone at all. I mean, how could I with so many people living with this me me me me outlook in every facet?
Of course my dreams very well might be prepping me for my inevitable death–I was hoping I could push it off another 7 or 8 years and right now I am able to still feel everything–I can still break out in dance and laugh. Don still makes me laugh every day and my body doesn’t feel like it has forever, but I know there have to be those who feel worse than me who are able to continue on–I am trying to picture my body healing from the valve surgery and getting out of the surgery max 4 days after it is done. I am trying to picture and imagine a quick recovery, but the thing that keeps knocking in the back of my consciousness is I have already been given more chances than many, and clearly even still have done almost nothing redeemable with these chances. Nobody cares that much about me aside from Don and I am literally leaving nothing but whispers of who I once was to so many, it’s almost pathetic. I get those small breezes at night when I dream, and at this point I am pretty much going to be useless to Don because me working right now is not something I can even do. And since I have nothing, only my entertainment and humor can earn my way towards more upkeep. I am kidding, almost but not really.
Ugh, I know I know, I have all these stupid websites. I have to redo this one but I am waiting for my stimulus cash to migrate this one away from a friend who is too inundated with other issues to let me do any modifications to it or even upgrade it to any level where I would be able to do anything different. My brain isn’t working well enough to finish the site I have in the works so that’s not happening and yeah….all my poor husband is going to be left with is a pile of junk if I die now.
But the one good thing is he wouldn’t have to have any funeral or anything like that, just cook me in the oven and be done. So maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing. However, I’ve also told him no zoom funerals allowed, as they are sad, and as I’ve said to another Twitter friend, I’ve got no song that wouldn’t make me puke as a ghost.
And puking as a ghost is a pretty sad thing. I just did my BP! Awesome–it is 100/56 53 BPM. Much better than my post walk measurement a few hours ago with Duke of 153/84 45 BPM. 56 has been my max for the past 40 entries–but I guess that means I have more time if they’re spaced further apart. Somehow this makes sense only in my own brain.
This week’s goals include: find a damn vaccine appointment (the same goal I have had for over a month). Film me taking my own coumadin test. Clean the freakin’ living room already. I’m too tired to think of more, that’s enough. Hopefully not die, though I’ve had my share of cerebral events which might explain my crazy dreams….hmmm.
