curiouser and curiosity
I had to google that word because it looks weird. Curiouser and curiouser I wind and waiver and change my mind daily. I haven’t tried to do the copywriting seriously enough, yet, but I am at the edge of a pretty brutal time here coming up. The leg isn’t getting better and tends to wake me up at weird times, but it’s not a normal kind of pain. It is not the pain of healing, it is the pain of shit dying and that is a different kind of pain. There is the rejuvenating kind and there is this kind, which leaves little room for interpretation. This is the kind of pain I feel I should be grateful for, because it’s like saying goodbye to shit that served me well for over 40 years before giving up and in, and since I really wasn’t supposed to be alive this long, ohhh well. If I was born 10, 20, 30 years before I was, I certainly would never have made it to 40, so right now every year I get is another year past where I was never supposed to be. On top of that, have you seen people who are 90+? They fucking look it and move like it and oh my god, why live with that kind of pain and decrepitude? It is expensive, and it is hard to watch. It serves little to no purpose unless you are involved in leaving a legacy, I will give you that, to live that damn long. I suppose if I had a visual mark I was leaving on the world in terms of a human being or family line, I would probably be invested in seeing it in context to my evolution and imprint on the world. At this point, my vanishing won’t matter much–I left nothing but almost 20 years of blog bitching and a ton of conversations, soooo many.
Good thing I am not. I stick around for Don, honestly–so I can go at any time now, not that I WANT to leave him–it’s just rational at this point to know shit’s getting down to the wire– and though it will suck if I get nothing on that list done, I had a good goddamn run and met a lot of you fuckers throughout my life, and a lot of you left more than a few imprints on my soul. I think of a number of you fondly, and even the ones who really fucking douched out on me and there were a LOT of you guys over the years and I miss the fuck out of so many. Some of you were fucking mean at the end, but I never held that shit too long against most, you just fucking broke my heart, a few of you out of a lot. Hundreds in my lifetime absolutely. I miss my girls the most, the ones I was closest to, and there were a number of you who weren’t the girls I miss as well. Thanks for all you did for me, making me feel normal and fucking appreciated, something it’s been years since I have felt in any great regard.
Thank you, truly. I know a few of you left because I was depressing and not hopeful and full of apathy and an inner rage, but look. I fucking didn’t kill myself. Oh my god, writing that as some kind of argument is pretty pathetic. Come on guys, at least I didn’t kill myself but yeah. Many many times I considered it, but at this point I haven’t yet gotten pushed there yet. Sue me to take all of even anything Don has, yeah, that’s the first goddamn thing I will do because I am not an asshole, and I will never punish someone for knowing me, and really for being the only sucker who wasn’t a gay man who would marry me. 😉 At this point I am sure I have a few years left before they go after me again, and if at that point I am screwed and even just a piece of who I once was, see ya world.
Here is a song for you today:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=II9JXA_VOZ0
another:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4R-SvzM9zhg
and the last for now…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktvJ2PiBgtQ
I will keep doing this, promise. And yeah, this blog gets a lot more readership than you guys let on, so have some balls and say hello. So many days, just one person being nice made all the difference in the world. And yeah, the instagram is on soon. Getting my face stabbed Saturday and they are making me go in on Tuesday and I am already thirty times more anxious than is fun. My hair did next Saturday and it will be on, people. ON.
