cleaning out the email on my way out of town
scared is as scared does.
with the worry and anticipation of the blood that runs through my veins in great gallons.
my body is limp and wasted like the scattered pilings.
leaves, broken hearts and broken bodies.
I would destroy mine as it has already destroyed me.
I wonder what past life held my crimes, monumental and compouded in scarey electra light.
I can’t escape the escapeable beauty.
living. Breath held in.
broken capillaries running with my smiles, frozen onto time canvases.
I wish I could re-live those sacred moments.
kid smiles and bike rides before my body gave into that kharmic hate.
I don’t know what I did nor does it matter very much any more.
all I ever wanted was to disappear, and I practiced that need.
quiet shy little girl waiting for her train to come in
and when it did, the engine was broken and she got stuck in the station.
California always looked nice.
dog packed up and my favorite dresses. spilling out of boxes.
like my blood and like my love.
All I ever wanted was to be loved. Instead I got the hand and fist parenting with careful words to bleed me. With every man and every integral being in my path, it has been cyclic hurt and red-eyed likeness. Everything I do good comes back to me three fold bad.
john and ray told me today I had an escape issue, as everything we spoke about was my metaphoric delving into the inescapable need to run away. maybe if I ran away it could be seen as running to the life I always deserved instead of the life I always wanted.
All I ever wanted was to be loved.
