because life is super fair and fun….
So, maybe you read of my fun lump in the breast party. Well–I did the fucking mammogram. That was probably one of the most unpleasant tests I have ever had. Why? You try to take a tiny A cup boob and smash it between some plastic and get me into all kinds of un-fun positions to get the view. Oh, they were right, they got more than my nipple and yikes. NOT fun. I was sitting in the lounge waiting to get one of my three or four sessions with the smash and ultrasound and caught a woman’s thank you note on the wall and I SWEAR to you the woman’s name was Deanna from where I was sitting, which was NOT the acknowledgment I wanted or needed. But when I was leaving I realized it actually said DONNA. This made me feel a little less horrible about what they found.
And what they found was not only the problem *I* found but another one THEY found. What does this mean? BIOPSIES bitches. Fucking two. One is called a Stereotactic Breast Biopsy and the other–Ultrasound Guided Breast Biopsy. Two very rare procedures to steal tissue from my boob and test it out. So, this time next week I should know if I have cancer or pre-cancer or fat or nothing. But you know…I have been INCREDIBLY lucky to survive so much. I think my luck is due to run out here sooner than later. Or maybe much later but again…you can only wish and rely on lucky outcomes for so long before karma gives someone else a chance, I assume.
Now if I have to wear the pin of breast cancer survivor I am of course as good as done. I cannot hold two identities of horrible health outcomes because that is just insane. I do not feel any fucking comraderie with women as a general rule so trying to join some club of breast cancer people or women is not going to be the thing I do. I am not going on any walks, I am not going to go start a team of people saying gooo Deanna because that is also not me. I am not a joiner–in fact I did join that dissection group. I got my first knuckle rapping the other day for writing something about healthcare at some point that got the admin complained to–apparently people voting against their own interests and getting called out on it makes them shrink into pathetic little snowflakes–something used on people from my side more than they should, because all I see are dumb, duller than dirt people loving a President who doesn’t think a BIT about them, as proven with all of the recent news cycles. Nothing about bettering life for ALL Americans, no just all about him and fake news and kicking the latest group of brown people out. Man, judging the garbage pile that IS American society–maybe I shouldn’t be upset if I have cancer or something else which will make me have to suffer in poverty for a fuck of a lot less time than I would had I just had aortic dissections and heart problems to contend with–as it is I just took my first ass shot of lovenox to get prepared for this harvesting of breast tissue from my tiny boobs. And the best part is the boob with the lump is ALREADY smaller than the other one so if they have to dig it out, will leave me even more uneven than I am…
And Don’s passport is being held up because Missouri did not print the hospital he was born in so the Department of State told him he could not present a redacted birth certificate (It was not redacted, just old). The new one had the same information (no hospital!) so I had to write a sad compelling letter begging them not to punish him because they didn’t publish it on his official long form certificate. So…I might not get my honeymoon after all. And hey–maybe instead I will spend that week getting crap dug out of my boob. One thing I do know–I won’t be able to get new boobs because voluntary shit with the amount of surgery I have already had–not easy or recommended, and honestly. I am just fucking done with this world, this life, my luck and every other shitty thing that has fallen on me. A garbage family, a mother who threw me away twice, a government totally happy keeping me bankrupt and with nothing, and a body which obviously wants me dead.
****
And that is exactly why I just don’t care at all anymore.
