A recount of the memory, written 6 days after it happened.
2001/09/17 12:33
recognizing that politics are people.
I don’t see any need to bust off on politics, but I do need to do this
for myself and for everyone else that’s been wondering what I have to
say about this situation..
TUESDAY 9/11/01
The buildings went down across the river.
World Trade Center towers that were a part of millions of our horizons
ripped down by some insane funnels of hate. I saw them smoking and
walked outside, thinking to myself as the smoke billowed up, at least I
am in America and upon realizing that people were dying in that
building as I watched it smoke..I didn’t feel defeated. Until later,
that is.
I walked around the neighborhood, and not one person was looking
down..we all were looking up. Our New York, we staked claim in it like
any other mother…I work there, and for a few years at least, I lived
there, breathed, fucked, sweated, ate and drank. Drinking NYC. To me at
least for a minute those buildings symbolized something I cannot
explain. Freedom perhaps?. I have no way of relating it to any other
experience I have ever been through. But we had live local television
cameras in that, and when the first tower went down, an immeasurable
silence hit my heart. Though there were screams, yes. Screams of people
in the streets desperately trying to get ahold of their loved ones,
collapsing on the streets in fear and pain,
pain. Immeasureable to say the least. And then the second tower fell,
and then later the entirety of the building.
We tried to volunteer at the hospital, and saw people covered in debris
and concrete dust. But they didn’t need our help, or blood for that
matter as so many many people came in to help.
WEDNESDAY 9/12/01
I woke up in some sort of trance. I had been staying at Tony’s for fear
of dying alone, I guess. More destruction, more bodies, or more
accurately, more parts. We all were on the street today and this night,
looking for each other, hearing the stories of friends calling in sick
or getting into work late. Then I thought we were at war, not
understanding we hadn’t gone about this the wrong way. All I know is
that Osama Bin Laden will probably be killed. You start losing friends
when you kill representatives of every country neighboring yours. About
six of us had thanksgiving dinner followed by a party where most of our
neighborhood friends got together. It was also Bill’s birthday.
THURSDAY 9/13/01
More attempts at volunteering thwarted by everyone’s growing
overwhelming concern for these people. But my tips this night are being
mailed to the red cross. And the victims that no one really has thought
too much about. Families, friends, coworkers, parents, wives, husbands.
People who were trying to save people
died. Giving and ending life. Tony told me I was losing it as I tried
to sing a song that I had written. My response, yea, I’m really fucking
crazy. Disgusted looks from Tony. I worked this night, bartending in
the city. Work was terrible, everyone still shell-shocked. When I tried
to get home I called the PATH people and asked them if armed guards
were on the train. The response, typically we have not had armed guards
on the trains. Mine- well don’t you think this may be the time. He told
me (Jeff from path) that there was a possibility for undercover agents
on the trains. I got on the train, and sure enough, three of them. In
every car, at least 3. Cops in plain clothes are generally easy to pick
out. I felt better and had some insight into me dying that night. I
wasn’t going to.
The terror in the eyes of the middle eastern people I saw on the train
I will never forget. And yes, I do notice them now more than ever. They
were shaking, half in tears. I see them now because I am watching
everyone else. If anyone ever attempted to do a thing to anyone else,
I’m sorry but I would stand up. You cannot hold a race guilty for the
acts of a chosen few.
FRIDAY 9/14/01
More more more. I cannot understand why people don’t understand the
magnitude of how this has affected me. I understand the preciousness of
life. Human will and consequence. I took the train. No one will even
sit next to those that they fear, the people they have seen for years
suddenly turned enemy for what? A skin color?A SKIN COLOR PEOPLE. I worked my normal 14 hour shift. And was incredibly tired, exhausted. I stayed in Manhattan this night.
SATURDAY 9/15/01
Woken up to possibilities of a pancake breakfast. But it was also
Tony’s birthday. Bought him a martini shirt and a cake. Then we went
out to see the Faint and the Clean at bowery ballroom. Spoke with the
bartenders about how insane it was that people were out. Talked with a
few of the people I was with that no, I was not ok. But that I am
stronger than most and it’s incomprehensible to me that I wouldn’t pull
through in one piece. Thought more about moving west. So much bullshit
here and this was the bomb that split the cake apart. I disappeared
from the group I was with and hung out at Kush on orchard street, an indian bar, and had a caipinhira. Then went to Ace bar
to hang out with people I know. Then went to Ray’s Pizza in astor place
and ate. Stumbling home to the Path train. New York is the kind of
place you can strike up conversations with anyone. But no one is that
hurried to speak with a stranger these days. In some ways the heart is
broken but the mind keeps ticking. Unending.Hopeful. We will persevere.
SUNDAY 9/16/01
We used to play volleyball across the river
in Liberty State Park on Sundays. Everyone is too stubborn to give it
up. So we went to Lincoln Park in Jersey City. Beauty so close to this
drama is unimaginable. I cannot play kick ball because of my heart and
the strains of running. But they did. And I rested next to the willow
like trees near the pond, heated by the sun. Still people are giving me
shit for having to get the fuck away. But god. Where are we. And who
are you to judge my state of mind?
I needed to get away from the warzone last night and went to ALDO’s
in Lyndhurst NJ. Depression Night on Sundays I usually try to get to
was a bit different. Industrial anger and sadness. But I was happy to
get the fuck out. So I spoke with a few people. One said I had good
stories. I went to sleep to wake up this morning to silence.
There are a few things about this tragedy that people need to
understand. Human life is not perfect but the sanctity of a life is.
These were people. People you very well may have known or seen the
faces of. They didn’t have a chance to change the way they got to work
when they died, many of them thinking as they flailed themselves out 80
stories I am sure, why me? People sweating the possibility of having
not called in sick or being to work on time. Many people died. Many did
not. Brushing it off to forgetting it because these were not people
close to you is fucking bullshit. I have seen missing posters that say
last seen 103rd floor north tower 8:30 am. Wandered past Union Square
to thousands plastered on fences… And pictures..faces with the names.
I have felt the energy; the distraught the complete fucking insanity.
But I will not hate. I have cried, and watching the news isn’t the most
real experience you can have. Seeing the big hole in the sky isn’t even
enough. To understand how lucky each one of us is to still be here
gives me a reason to continue on and make my impression on this earth
as long-lasting and residual as possible. And people who have dark skin
are not to blame. MOST of these people have been living here long
enough, have been paying taxes long enough that they are Americans. And
for those that cheered, yea you should get yer ass deported. No
question that the conditions of these supposed whoop it upsters
countries will make them think twice about disrespecting what they
have. It is a privilege to live here. Freedom. And despite the
widespread belief that we deserve what we got. No one deserves to die
while not on the battlefield. And we are one of the most free, most
open places to live. But we are not perfect. And neither is humanity.
What fucks me up the most is that the most permanent mark that
most of these people will have on this world are that they died in the
World Trade Center collapse on September 11, 2001. We have to do better
for ourselves and our world and make our marks as exquisitely as
humanly possible.
I flew american last week. I went to Cali to see my girls, in San
Francisco to be exact. My stewardess, we believe, was on that plane. I
could have been on that plane. Anyone could have…
The fact that the 19 or so people could cause so much destruction
with such little effort should be a fucking inspiration. If we all
combined our good energies and will, imagine IMAGINE how much beauty we
could accomplish. This was 19 people. And they killed over 5,000. We
are stronger and we are bigger than this. Don’t think that punishing
your friends and neighbors who happen to be of middle-eastern decent is
gonna mark your seat in heaven. It isn’t. It will only make your
existence that much more worthless and hate driven. Fuck that.
Hmm at that exact time I was whacked out on percocet because of shingles. Once the pain dulled itself and I stopped taking the percocet I was inspired to go to med school. I was upstate at the time but my father saw the towers go down. I am a lifetime New Yorker and since becoming a firefighter on LI 2 years later; I lost one of my own. This gave me a small taste of what it must have been like. The only way to move on is to rebuild the towers and bigger. We cannot show then we’re afraid. You should try and worry about your more immediate issues like getting a better job and rent.
strange
I am not exactly sure what the point of this one was. An idea of someone who knew someone who went through it.
It’s beyond showing anyone or anything that we’re afraid. How about we’re just stupid? How about as Americans we should all be scratching our heads and wondering exactly what it is that drives people to hate us. Perhaps our megalomanical president? Perhaps a societry driven to obtaining as much as we can materially so we can somehow feel as if there is a point to life? Our society is a consumerist fucking fantasy land where money is king and intentions are purchased and bought like a tradeable commodity.
And “worrying about paying rent and getting a better job”? Why did you throw that in there? What does that mean exactly? A general or specific statement directed towards…me?
I simply do not get it. I wrote this shit four years ago. Obvious to many are the errors in numbers reported. And my political standpoints are obvious. I do not follow the social etiquette many attest to of not talking politics or religion. But I’d imagine you’ve realized that already.
Re: strange
Must have let that slip, that is what a 7 hour study binge will do. A more coherent me would have added my family does know of people who died there. For me it marked me cleaning myself up and getting my act together. Much less focussed on outside things and worried mainly about improving myself. Seems to have paid off too, I went from starving programmer to starving med student to hopefully much less starved doctor in a few years from now. I still stand by my original comment about worrying about jobs and paying rent. It is much more important to take care of your own problems before worrying about everyone else’s. It is still something I follow.
Re: strange
But you are going to be a doctor?
For what reason would you be practicing medicine but to take care of other people’s problems? Ohh…not wanting to starve, the money maybe?
I think that your attitude is precisely why things are as terrible as they are in this country. Not that you are outside the norm, but because your thought patterns exemplify that not in my backyard mentality.
Just food for thought.