a question of firsts and lasts and middle pages
Today I am spending time with B…this B who has been my most consistent advocate in Colorado, the family I never had–she invites us to Thanksgiving Christmas and New Year’s every, year just about. We’re pretty isolated from the world, me and Don–we have very few people close to us and even now we feel kind of like un-tethered things. I am trying these other little things I’ve mentioned to get us a little more, no really a LOT more freedom than we’ve had and as a result I’ve been a bit distracted in my own world.
Prior to my new ventures and interests I was spending an inordinate amount of time studying things like ghosts and contemplating things beyond my understanding, namely life after death. This is what I spent a good portion of my summer doing…reading and watching and trying to conceptualize the idea of spirit separated from religion. I have told many people that I don’t feel like I need the gimmick of a god or anything too organized behind written scripture to believe the things I do. I suppose a lot of what woke this up for me was watching that damn show Monica the Medium, which yes…freaked me out a bit but also gave me some semblance of peace of mind. What piece of my mind is involved in this peace of mind is up for interpretation, but I guess I was trying to ready and steady myself for the inevitable future that exists where I am not in it in the same form I suppose, if at all. At all.
But B–her husband got diagnosed with cancer recently of a very aggressive kind–she got engaged after me and just married last summer and now…now. now he is dying. I don’t know what to say to her as the survivor as that is not the position I have been in the most…I have been the afflicted, the one who was going to leave. And I suppose my brain has been more prepped to be him, not her, not the one being left. And what do you say? I have said to her that life is a motherfucker because it certainly is. And in some ways I just never have considered me being the one left alone at the end because…it wouldn’t be the likely story…even as I write that I am concerned for the jinx…but it’s the truth, full of jinxery or not…
Oh no no…I did not forget the photo today though I admittedly had my wine last night but not quite the level of the night before so my face is better than it HAD been, not that that is saying much…but today is a makeup day so you’ll see that as soon as I get out of my bathrobe. It’s only noon, after all.
Maybe I should show you all the monarchs in my front yard. Every time I walk out the door I feel like snow white with them flitting all about…yeah…that will be the illustration of today…if I can get enough of a view for you to appreciate…actually this guy was the only one I could get nailed down for a minute–
