7 days from my possible end of existence
Man it’s gonna totally suck if I die because I think finally people are starting to want to pay attention or listen to me. I am the most interesting person you don’t know.
I kid, there are absolutely people wayyy more interesting than me but I’ve got my own opinions on most things-I feel in some ways I’m looking down the barrel of a gun, but then the other part of me is there to whisper–shhh–you have gone through this so many times before you have all the practice. It’s just a root canal, no it’s just basic maintenance. I do think this sucker will be the last–my general paranoia is around a pacemaker, I’ll admit. I do not want one of those, not just because I’m on a payment plan for a PEMF mat I would have to get rid of quickly but because I REALLY don’t feel I want to add myself to another Facebook group to be ignored inside. My heart rate is not great-phone’s telling me for just about a year it’s been trending below 50bpm a lot of the time–looks like the summary range for the past year was 37-204–now that 204 probably hurt like a motherfucker because even now if its gets higher than the 50’s it hurts and is uncomfortable. This is probably due to the valve being bad and the damage to the ventricle with it being bad.
I am going to print this shit out for the anesthesiologist and surgeon to see so they can see the heart rate going that low doesn’t mean I am dying at all. I worry about them taking unnecessary measures to correct an anatomy which matches nobody else I know that is still alive. Again, most people don’t make it past a handful of these and I am on two hands now.
I pray this is the last one-I am so done with this crap. Oh oh oh–that MSM I was taking I think has affected other systems–no more weird cells on the cervix–last time I got the thing, it was normal. (PS-MSM does make that claim for cancer btw). It hasn’t been normal since I was 20. Also, the lumps in my boobs? Nobody can find them anymore, at least you can’t feel them (I have barely boobs so this is a joke you could make at my expense, but really, you can’t find them manually and you could 3 years ago). The mammogram is out of the question right now because, one at a time, and no chance am I trying to wrap myself around a machine right now. Maybe I got lucky.
I am still doing the videos even though I blew it here. Some of it is I don’t want you to get too used to me because I fear I won’t be able to type a million words a minute and will have to count exclusively on the video to communicate later and since I now have a plan, well you get it. Scarsandhearts I still have this full blog copy on but I am waiting until I survive to finish it so then this one will be purely heart related news etc on surgical stuff and intervention and that will be the blog of the scars of my life.
I did reveal some of myself on Twitter since I might die and you might miss out on all of my great life lessons. I have the HeartsScars tiktok but I don’t even know how to edit in youtube, how am I going to edit my tips into 8 second clips? I won’t–one day I will have money to pay someone on FIVVER to do it, though. Man, it is hard to open yourself up like I have felt compelled to with maybe 7 days left on the planet. If I survive, then everyone has seen my life and musings for the past 20+ years and maybe they don’t deserve to see them. If I die, then again, it’s a sad diary of a lonely person with heart disease who tried SO HARD to help people but was forgotten in the end.
Send me your best. I don’t have a lot of people in my circle who give a shit at all so I am taking all free prayers and well wishes–and if you wanted me to pay? I have no money anyways.
Big love to those of you who cared to type in this address from Twitter and anyone else finding this via other ways.
