so many things to say. I have said them a lot
Hmmm. So sorry kids. I know I owe so much more to this website and my others. I have been building the meat of the other project I have mentioned–the coronabalona. I am on twitter, there, though I have neglected the one I had registered for this. I feel a bigger urgency in educating the public on some factors we probably all need to be aware of coming up on voting in what will be mere weeks.
Still, I am corona-free. I had Alyse and Ben come visit a few weeks ago and took some less than stellar precautions out with them that made me feel like I needed to sit quiet before announcing I am still corona-free–it’s one of those things you DON’T want to gloat about without absolutely certainty, as I sometimes like to remind people on right wing comment boards when they heartily exclaim “I don’t know one person who had or has had corona.” It seems like the thing you exclaim right before it invades your family and leaves you despondent. But we went out to a restaurant INDOORS, no less, as it was raining here in Virginia, something that does happen with some frequency. We were there for a little over two hours and she and I were supposed to hang out as she stayed another week plus after, where I did not see her. See, those two HAD corona, and she said she had a “cold” the day after seeing us and in my paranoia, and for Don’s lost it slightly and was concerned. I mean, yeah, masks in the restroom and the room was not full, but generally speaking you need a pretty hefty virus load shot in your face for 15 minutes or so and we were there for 2+ hours like it was pre-pandemic life, enjoying each other’s company, full smiles plastered on because of the wine. So she had this cold and still has it, but stayed in town another week past that meeting, hoping to feel well enough to see me. She just never quite got there.
So, alas, no. And Don’s work was one of those places where there was an outbreak so there was that paranoia I had as well. Good thing I have him generally trained well, so he knows the signs.
I did something last week that did scare the shit out of me–talked to the new cardiologist at George Washington University hospital. Normally I am not always on it like that, but there was the knowledge I am nowhere near anyone who knows a bit about my health predicament, so we have an appointment the day before my birthday, by virtual means, of course. I am constantly reminded that the valve itself can go poof pretty quickly depending on the stress you endure. I read a story in a FB group about a woman who had an echo last October and her valve was fine, but this October it was a big emergency to get her in. Now I had this in June and maybe it’s not in great condition, but maybe it’s not so bad. Now, if you know anything about me, you realize I have not always had the best support systems around me and have been thrown away a few times now–and though of course the hurt was a real thing I did endure, at least I have been able to work past it, without the use of any therapy besides my own realizations and knowledge. No medication, no psychologists, nobody but Don and my own knowledge and malleability to adapt to new challenges without falling apart.
Sometimes I wonder if that is a strength, or a weakness, my inability to let myself get tanked too low anymore. I think Don clearly has helped me avoid a lot of bad shit and to be truthful–the surgeries and all that shit I learned to be really good at contending with–and it was always emotional support I was missing in any quantity so I looked for it in friends and men for years and years. Then somehow that problem solved itself or really that problem got solved so everything else generally seems manageable, even another surgery down the line.
I think if I am going to die, I have accepted it won’t be until or any earlier than 2027. 2028 would be more sensible given my number obsessions, but I do expect I will be able to talk myself through the next endeavor and do well. If there is one thing I am good at, it is heart surgery, after all. Plus, 51 seems a good time to kick it, since Don will be rounding towards almost 60 and who the heck knows what our world will look like then.
I have a thing with numbers so I am always obsessed with them in years and telephones and every other place numbers serve us. I have read into it and too much focus on it could be a sign of mental illness, but I am a pretty rational person, though this menopause taking me over sometimes makes me short with Don and be a dick where I just want to be sweet. Luckily we have already gone through all of the evolutions of getting to know each other and our weaknesses and strengths. Mine biggest weakness is my body. My biggest strength is working past all the trauma my body has inflicted on my life.
Right now the other site is going to be more fun than this one right now, but I have all of them on the docket now that I still don’t have to work and it seems our budget will be fine. The health insurance I have is also better than any I have had in some years so hopefully will not bankrupt us even with the unknowns, like how above and beyond and over the coverage limits the hospital might have to bill.
Don’t fret—I am alive and if you are reading this, so are you so we are actually better off than a few hundred thousand Americans today. We are sure to hit 220k dead today, but don’t expect an update during a holiday weekend.
ex-oh-ex
