musings and losing
So guys, definitely the world is going to get a bit crazy. I am struck by the recognition that this little virus running around is going to seem pretty elementary and rudimentary in a few years much like TB…but right now it is kind of a big deal. I know a bunch of people are now working from home, something I did exclusively for 6 years before I quit in November. You know that working in an industry like that would not be advisable right now if you are looking to calm stresses and fears–and I am especially prone to those musings because I am, I guess, largely traumatized. People have done a number on me, and typically, yeah, it’s people that wreck or elevate us. Last week I literally destroyed all patterns of sleep and good behavior being anxious about soup, but there were underlying failures there because of the reasons behind it. Cook for him and he won’t need to leave the room, and can avoid contact with unsavory viruses. Failing at that I took pretty personally, and really wasn’t something I was ready to fail at.
This week’s anxieties are Don and money. I don’t know what would happen if we had to go down for a while because of a damn flu. We could be okay for a few months, maybe, but certainly again haven’t been able to feel fully comfortable being free. But, painting or printing every day makes it worth it. As does being outside. I swear, every time I am outside is the only time I feel connected, yet completely insignificant. It’s like you can see and imagine how tiny you are….from space you are literally invisible, but you are a part of it all. Often when I am walking the fields with the dog we sit and I think about that…and I wonder if I will get the space and peace I need. So funny my evolution as a person. Non social to super social back to leave me alone to ponder the stars. Right now I avoid making eye contact with pretty much everyone…whereas when I was east that was how you conduct. Networking, something I bitch Colorado doesn’t understand, isn’t something they do here, which is okay since now I don’t really feel connected to anyone or anything in Colorado except the novelty of an idealistic childhood. It was what I would dream about for so many years…coming home and it was like the state had a soul with part of me in it which could not be exercised until I came back. And now that I did the thing I dreamed up, it’s time to go on to the next spot. Where we will go and end up, no idea. Maybe we will stay here. Hell, if they sold us this place I would consider buying it simply because it is first floor handicapped accessible and pretty convenient to the things I need access to right now. But…when you are sucking that kind of cash out of a couple of people, why sell it unless you needed a cash infusion, which might happen if people start kicking off in the community and abandon their leases. Oh…I dunno.
Today I went to the grocery to get the requisite ME things. 3lbs of cuties, those little mandarins…I eat 12-15 lbs of them a week. That’s 4-5 bags because I eat them three at a time throughout the day. Broccoli and pork/beef for my tacos later as last night I was depressed and missing Don so could not move. A piece of cheesecake because I can munch on that a few days. Some quinoa, some rice, some chopped tomatoes, just some slight padding in case a quarantine comes to my hood. And…my croissant I did get with my little clorox wiped handle and paper grab. I was in and out of the store in under ten minutes. I bought an iced coffee maker which is getting delivered Monday so I won’t HAVE to leave ever. I have to buy shampoo, a derma roller and I won’t need shit until June as I am stocked up on the things I like to have.
I bought some printmaking supplies but I am most keen to start screen printing and making my shirts. These shirts I plan to make I have no idea, but I have had a billion ideas and I now know how thanks to my class. I am not sure when I can take the sewing series I wanted as now it seems stupid to consider it in a non warm month…dammit I did beg her for months on those classes.
So…is it time to stress out? Um, yes, if you are one of us, it is a bit of a time to stress. Will it get a lot of us? Probably. I am petrified to log in to the aortic group to see anyone get kicked off by this after surviving so much shit–it’s unfair, ironic and lame. Had we been as prepared as Taiwan was…very forward thinking most of the countries east…well, we wouldn’t all have to worry so much. But right now I have absolutely changed my habits. I had to. I am questioning going to see Don though I desperately want to. I fear if I don’t and he got it it would be terrible. But I do increase my risks of exposure leaving my thousand sq foot palace with a big air filter and food for a hotel full of 50+ probably not hygienic men. Paying rent here without being here seems stupid, but we would have saved enough that it would have been worth it to have that cash infusion to run with later on. Good thing we have a $500 deductible…some things won’t have to be sacrificed to survive.
