updates, because I feel you care
So, some things as of late.
Number one–no cancer in this girl. How that happened is really not what I understand or rather, no cancer anywhere they have looked so far. Which means no cervical nor any breast, but there are still some tests and removals I have to endure because practice, err, policy. This was after as pretty fun few biopsies mentioned before–ouch on those but Don came to save the day then so all was as well as could be expected. After all that and all those CT scans and dozens of Xrays it appears so far my chest is unscathed from the outside anyways…so much for my spliff smoking ways the past decade or so..one never knows or JUAN never knows but that is fine. Once again, the things that usually get most people have skipped me, including death so far.
I have been reading in the dissection group about people’s struggles with meaning or pain or hurt or symptoms and I cannot help but envy ALL that they have going through this, when for me it was all me and my venting boards but nothing, nobody to tell me what was normal. Well, virtually almost everything is when your body has a catastrophic shut down, but the talk of pain, depression, second opinions and PTSD–man–I had no such luxuries and maybe I am somehow suffering from PTSD or CTSD which I would say is current traumatic stress disorder. I didn’t grow up with some alternate sphere of existence to point or draw reason from–you do what you HAVE to do, and that is how you survive. You squeeze your brain down into uncomfortable spaces where meaning is sometimes hard to find comfort in, but you just make it through because that is what you do. Sometimes there is simply no other choice but to go on…
This is not to say I didn’t wallow or question god or existence or meaning with all of this because of COURSE you do…but I haven’t let anything, even fucking maternal rejection get me down too far for too long. I have sat on the floor and under the floor for spans of time, sure, but as a general rule…I am concrete and unbreakable. Concrete is breakable but the analogy I think you get the gist of–not much can break me and I have endured the gamut of bullshit–loss and gain and gain and loss and gain and loss again. But generally the ability to do what we want when we want is a luxury I realize not a lot of people have–and when you want is more within reason, but no. No obligations of any kind to anyone and none to us either–which can make for a sad state of affairs if you measure value that way. But there’s less to break someone apart with if there is less leverage in–which is a practice I have had for so long now I don’t think people realize it is intentional largely. But as I said, nothing can break me.
Word swerves plays and nays and varied yays make for a curled bailed base
The poetry and years of disclosure on napkins…I will bring that back in Europe.
I don’t think it’s too early—but his passport should be coming soon. Which means we flee later on…and that, my friends, is certain justice but I will tell you the story of how that almost did not come to be later…after it is resolved and has no gas to ruin lives.
