moments of reflection and self correction
Things have been going along pretty fantastically considering–and I’ve realized the small circle of people around us–it’s enough, and with less to touch, there’s less to hurt us and though it can seem pretty lonely at the end of the day, we don’t have to be a part of bullshit at all.
Bullshit in dealings with people and cliques of all kinds, you know those circles that aren’t entirely supportive and somehow exist to make you feel worse about yourself? I cannot tell you the number of women who are older than me who I see complaining about this on social media, and maybe it’s my cynicism or maybe it’s that I developed a thick skin in my dealings with people, but I am certainly not desperate enough for connections which serve no purpose other than to make me feel worse about me. I will simply cut you off like the dead weight you are to my soul.
I moved out here a little over 7 years ago and left a really good life in search of family. Meaning I suppose I had expectations that I would somehow learn how it would be to have a family because–well, really, the family I had growing up didn’t teach me much about that at all. Then again, the family that was here seemed pretty keen to make their judgments about me and so maybe the mission and focus has changed. I have made my own little family with Duke and Don, and we have a pretty good thing going considering–we aren’t rich, we aren’t totally dirt poor (coinstar moments have largely been avoided)—and we can do things some people only dream of because of the benefits I have earned sticking with the same company for years–$10,000 in accumulated touring er, educational benefits is really nothing to laugh at, though I should be traveling more than I have. Don got a passport sent in last weekend so we can make this honeymoon of sorts happen–plus I didn’t have $10k to spend on a wedding anyways so take it where you can.
But honestly–for most of my life there has been some dangling emotional shit to fuck with me in the background of my life. From men to friends to family—this is the first time I have been largely free from the bullshit. All of the bullshit is self-generated, meaning if I want to deal with bullshit, I personally will start some, but that’s not an entirely agreeable way of being, so I just am happy to find the small spaces of peace where I can. Everyone around me right now I speak with is generally fully supportive of who I am AND US, and people don’t seem to judge me for more than a second–of course we all want to be around those who do not judge us but come on now, people–we all live watching and recognizing patterns of behavior around us so expecting non judgment in AMERICA…yeah good luck with that.
But, things are good. We aren’t drinking for longer and longer expanses of time, Don seems happier, we live in a place which gives us all we need, except, perhaps, my own little cabal of neighbors upstairs–but the people in this area seem okay and considering I personally have never lived in one of these themed apartment complex places–not beehives but a fort of apartments of sorts–it could not be going any better. Sure we have 7 loud Mexicans upstairs screaming and roller skating until 1 am–BUT, we have a stereo system and audio that can shame almost any shitty neighbor into good behavior. I am not entirely that vindictive, though, and save that shit for times when it is really necessary. Duke even ran with 8 smaller dogs last night–totally run ragged by their bouncy puppy selves, and he was in absolute heaven. From having no friends to having a bunch–it appears our dog has had an easier time of that than us—but as I say quite a lot, that’s okay, because I haven’t given up.
As long as I am moving forward, the stagnation won’t really last…
