To Be Happy–a New Year’s Wish for us all…
I have been thinking about the past year, the things that have happened, the things that I wanted to happen and the ones that took me my surprise, but remarkable events nonetheless. This is getting published at 7:30 PM MOUNTAIN time, after having worked on it all day..
I read last year’s entries for the end of the year and I didn’t do it…I have neglected the blog largely because it was a place where I sat alone most of the time–musing on words, events, characters…man if I had kept a really good log of my NYC life I would have been able to write a really fucking interesting book, mostly because I used to be a pretty interesting person in that the things I was around were always motivating, interesting and inspirational. The blog was about me musing about the alcoholic state of Don and I–we’re still alcoholics so the progress there is limited. Winos, whatever, we drink a big and cheap together often in an evening, and for example yesterday–the stress of seeing my sister and recognizing all that I feel I have lost was a bit much for me to contend with–so I didn’t try to deal with it, I drank it away like we have done so much in our misery. But the blog has taken many incarnations over the years, I suppose–I mean–the first post goes back to 1999–not many people have any proof of their life written down in any consecutive way from their 20’s to their 40’s..actually probably not true…but it’s a long damn time, and I know I have changed over the years–the relationships we have with ourselves and others change over time is the thing I’ve learned the most. The way we see ourselves in the context of life I think can change–or evolve I suppose. I went back to last January and I think a lot of the same intentions I had then might be repeated…the show, the concept. The space we finally have, the means maybe easier, too, in the interim. I took 4 months off last year with the blog, but I suppose the 41 thing and all that made it seem a little more imperative to mark or denote or leave something else besides a head full of un-relayed memories and experiences…a tactile thing, a musing on what it’s been.
This year a few things happened that were pretty remarkable, at the end of the day. And as terrifying as it was going into the year with the crazy person we have as President in charge–I found a way to make things happen, some things in response to that, some things to advance some understanding of myself.
Number 1–remarkable event of the year was I got married. I got married in a lawyer’s office, but even still–I got married to the man I would remarry again most days with a few in there where he’s a big pain in the ass–mostly these are rare, but he can be. I think getting married without a wedding is okay…and to be honest we have very few friends who could or would be there for it anymore, as 6 years is a long time to not have fostered close friendships around us, have those investments from people close to us. Barbara was the one around us the most I suppose…and she’s checked out so…one day I am going to have it, once we have more than two people around us who are amazing..well–actually if we count out the people over the past few years we’d have enough to–hmmm–7 people and then it would have been Barbara. The standard family invites…nah. No need to
Number 2–I found out what was wrong with me which caused the dissections and heart issues to start. ACTA2. Finding this out was bittersweet in some ways–it verified I didn’t do it to myself, a fear I had struggled with for actually half my life…finding out at 40 what was affecting be since 18 was pretty interesting but gave me a totally different take on it all. Interesting that a few big lessons tied into finding out who I was tied back to that, actually, at the end of the day. I relayed this all to my immediate circles, and it does seem my birth father took it a little more seriously and maybe a little more urgently–asking if everyone should be tested…but the angle of dissection in my maternal family was a little too easy to recognize to order testing of that family–none there at all. My maternal blood family is the one that initiated the um…second throwing away of things so it goes to say there’s not a lot of investment in getting to know that aspect of my experience too deeply. They might unfortunately learn that all the hard way–but I do hope not.
Number 3-A full circle on realizing what I came out here to do was largely a failure. I moved out here to get to know my maternal family better, to see a little more of where I came from, in some ways. I guess in the process realized–what I wanted wasn’t exactly anything I asked anyone about out here–I never talked to them about it, I just left. There was no reasoning of methods or why or how we were going to ensure any of it made any sense. It was just me doing what I wanted to do–leaving NY and coming somewhere where they didn’t even ask me to come. I suppose that is something I just realized, and I suppose also this must mean I shouldn’t be surprised things worked out as they did, which was largely, not at all. What did seem to work out was that I realize and recognize I did not need that to know who the fuck I was–because I have been who I am for long enough, there was no question to answer but who THEY were. And who they are–they’re fine and all, but they aren’t like me, and we all have different ideas of what is helpful, appropriate and considerate in a few pretty obvious ways. I was always fine with who I was as a person. ALWAYS fine, but this was like the missing key–Colorado. And now I realize…there’s little acceptance for us and how we are–little concern for our general well-being which is WHY it’s been so hard to feel safe and at home here.
Number 4-Realizing and recognizing it’s us against the world, for real, though. Getting chucked out by the same woman twice has once again reminded me that the people who are your family, the most important people, are never the ones you have no choice over, ultimately. They are the people you can count on and depend on to have your back no matter that you hurt their feelings, no matter that they hurt yours, they are the people who you can depend on. I learned from a young age these were not my family, not the family I was adopted by, not the family who birthed me, not the family I grew to know and love…fuck, NYC was a more loyal family member than the people’s I’ve known in that position. This conclusion of this recognition is we need to choose our time and who we surround ourselves with and really cut out people who can hurt us. As it is I ended up not getting to go for a memorial for the father of my best friend in NJ-wow the times she and I had and her father did some things for me, which I’d love to see the end game of, but ultimately he was a guy who had your back. So I missed that and the trip to Europe for the same careless methods–the same strategic stomping. There is still this dull thud of…she told me she needed to raise the rent in October and I told her I would do half the rent raise until January cheating her out of $50 a month so I thought it was ok. But maybe she is just so meek and unable to speak up for herself that her only solution was to be cruel instead of standing up for herself without torching me out of the picture.
Number 5-the recognition for the first time in my life I am not alone with the worry, the despondency, the WTF did my body do to me questions–I am not even alone in having the surgeries I have had though maybe not sure anyone has had them all. I am going to get the medical records from one of these places to get a better grasp on what happened because…I went through it alone and there was a bit of a rotating flood of faces for all incidents, and I’ve just got remnants of incidents even now…so much so that yeah, the aortaversary would have how many birthdays–4 or 5, so what the hell is the point? None, but it’s nice to help people celebrate what they have survived–I suppose there have been so many points where I haven’t fully appreciated the rareness of the survival–I am reading stories of fathers and husbands not making it, and I am hit with the same how dare I recognition that I had around 9/11.
So bring it on 2018–clearly you’ve got some better things in mind for us-and I am ready for it. We’ve got a new place, fresh start, we won’t be killed by the building we live in anymore–we have a fresh start with (out) the family we had around for some time–as loose as the ties were, we can make intentional choices now and be cognizant of where we are and spend the time we have on people who appreciate us and when they don’t, not to let any formality establish obligations that can be so literally absolutely crushed. I think there’s been a lesson in that I have been trying to learn my whole life–there’s no reason to short myself the credit for having been the person I have–for ultimately trying to help my mother, for reasons at this point that are obvious. To get her home with her grandchildren, who she could be complete with–to be able to not own a building and work at Whole Foods, which is a fact depressing in and of itself.
I forgive you for what you did–because it’s the new year and that’s what I have to do–but I don’t want to see you in the foreseeable future in or close to anywhere near my home.
If ever, let’s be honest. Everything from here on out in my life–my terms, all the time.
