gradients of consideration
So this has been a tough few days and it certainly hasn’t lengthened my life in any way, the amount of stress I am going through right now. It’s almost as if my birth mother wasn’t present and didn’t hear the stress issues and what to avoid to prevent new issues in my body. I am joking, of course she wasn’t there. Nobody really wanted to hear a hell of a lot about the gene issue anyways, which I get. I get the rush to get me away from them because I am a reminder of what can happen. But, I am sure fate won’t befit them with a tidy disease like I have–I have taken it personally, largely, the things that have happened and I am not sure how you really ever squeeze your brain out of that uncomfortable place. You can go back some 17 years here and I am in and out of okayness. Where I was the happiest and least complaining was in NYC because it’s just a good place if you want to get shit done. What I did get done didn’t leave me with a hell of a lot, but I did do everything I wanted to there, save the Halloween Parade. Over 12 years and never once. I also never saw the top of the Empire State building but I had job interviews inside. I never went to the top of the Trade Center, but I walked under it for years before it was taken down.
But in terms of doing things you would do, non touristy things–I did them all, as being a resident there does make it home after a few years. The availability of everything anytime was definitely not something that was easy for me to give up. I had so many jobs, went on SO many different interviews–found every scam imaginable–I was a batender in a fetish bar where I served grown men wearing diapers. I sold fetish clothing for a time. I modeled, I worked as a Redbull narc and ratted out restaurants and closed a club that didn’t serve the real deal. I sold beauty products and skincare waxing and massage services. I worked for a dotcom managing a SQL server, I managed a customer service database full of doctors. I worked for register.com and set up forwarding services etc. I went on interviews to be everything from a perfume salesperson to broker, to dominatrix. I did it ALL.
ANYWAYS. I am talking about this because it seems like we are going to be stuck here now a year at least with the signing of any lease. I have been looking into sublets or temporary opportunities so we can take our time and not do anything rash, but that is exactly the corner I was shoved into, so I am unsure what to do.
Right now I need to find a secondary way to make some money because this isn’t going to work, getting out of the bro deal, as it were. If we have to make 3 times what we make monthly that is like $1100 anyways and she wanted $1050 when I am finding things three, four times the size for the same amount.
Obviously spending that much more on rent when I have a student loan monthly payment that should be the same amount as the increase–well once again let me tell you–for a normal fucking person, working three four jobs to make shit happen–that is EASY for you. For me…I can barely stay awake 4 hours past my end time for work without without passing out. Now when I do pass out I am up 4, 5 hours later generally and I either force myself to sit there with my eyes closed or I get up and watch tv. That second job I had killed me as well–earlier this year as I had mentioned to my friend Alyse–working here definitely took a few years off my life. For his lack of gratitude and doing the job of a runner waitress host and bartender all at the same time. But I have to get another revenue stream coming in because there is just no way in hell we can make it on what we make at all, buy new furniture, take on new loan terms and pay almost double the rent. I have not been paying my student loan due to financial hardship for years–now they are going to tighten the noose around us all because there is no extra money in the economy to forgive shit anymore with the way this new tax bill was written.
Sooo.
Given these considerations and the fact–someday I want a party or wedding of some sort or to do something and I haven’t been discovered yet as the world’s next greatest copywriter or anything even like that–I think I have to go on this trip. The reason being I don’t think we or I will be in any position in the next year or two to do a thing like this, and given I honestly feel like I either WANT to die or I WILL die way more often than the average person–this legitimately might be my last opportunity to go to Europe. I mean, honestly–if I look at the health of our finances over the past 6 years we have been together–it has been so up and down. And I married him for insurance. But if he gets his own I might have to divorce him because of the student loan.
Goddammit I wish I never went to fucking Columbia University. I really think that was the biggest mistake of my entire life, followed by moving to Denver in sometimes a close second…but with Don, it kind of evens the game out a little bit. But to go through your life thinking you’re going to die like at any time…and that is basically what they told me, it was just going to pop one day–and then to survive the pop. You want to get something done and I was always smart. I mean I got into every school I applied to, from Boston University to CSU–Hampshire college…all of them, and I didn’t get to go–first it was the money so I tried to defer, then it was surgery on the abdominal and thoracic aortic dissection. So I get out and want to go big league, prove to everyone I am not stupid. By taking on a bunch of debt I would never be in a position to pay off–given my physical condition and the full time work full time school–I was NEVER in a position to be okay or even set up to finish–by the time I realized it, it was far too late.
Anyways. So–given these considerations and my general state of mind, which is pretty stressed out and insane. I think I have to go because it might be the last time. The next time, even working where I do, seems totally unreasonable to even plan until I get a massive financial windfall. We need furniture like bedroom furniture, a new bed and a couch. We have tables coming out our asses but—come on now. We need a new place to live. We are already on payment plans with the IRS and some other entities and the student loan IBR option is coming to us soon. California is still getting Don for the child support for the time his wife put their daughter in foster care and didn’t tell him–none of them did.
….So I have these like fancy seats on the plane which I have never ever in my life had (premium economy!!). And that I lose completely–the premium economy seats, flight credit for $366, sure, but it’s not the same. I called her and asked her to give us until February 1. If she does, great. If not, I don’t even know. I can do this and make it a Pepsi challenge to spend as little money as possible every day. I could do it. Maybe I could do the whole thing for a few hundred? Seriously world. You are a dick.
Really…we all have felt this, but, sometimes money, or lack of it, seems enough of a reason to just say fuck it and disappear.
