repetition feeds the hurt
Well world…your lessons are a little fucked up lately. Not thrilled with the things running through my head. I tend to be a little bit of a masochist in some ways–I read that damn letter over and over and thought…with all that happened this year and the time spent here in spurts that something could have been said with some kind of urgency. Something could have been said, period. I suppose one of the aspects I have noticed of my mother’s personality is her inability to stand up for herself or ask for what she wanted and needed, which always aggravated me. I suppose this little thing could be seen as progress that way. Progress is progress, even if it involves kicking someone in the face, I suppose.
I am trying to fill my head with other things than the things that have been coming. I am sure repeatedly reading the letter didn’t help that too much because all I can say is–the person that wrote this is angry, the tone is super hostile and neglects to acknowledge the ability of her to be absent for years here was facilitated by us managing things. Our window is broken though clearly we did not do it, but you better believe it was on her bill after I had mentioned didn’t you notice? It’s been broken since the summer and she sent me the bill now. There were some other questionable things as well that were hard to understand. Don thinks that now she has gotten a taste of good rent (due to my efforts with my friends, mind you)–that she has lost her compassion like money tends to do to people. That was fucking quick though is all I know–usually people have to sit in their money for a while before they scrap their ethics and morals.
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After I wrote that my lawyer called and informed me they can give us 7 days notice. So I think I *might* have to cancel the trip after all. Honestly–I just haven’t been able to imagine myself REALLY going because–it never seemed quite real. I have this problem with accepting good things sometimes. Like, for me to believe I am actually doing something fun is always a stretch for me to believe–like I will have a heart attack instead of get to do this or no no, you don’t deserve this. And I don’t really “deserve” the trip. I have earned the time and cash, sure but to leave the country with so much ugh–I just don’t know. I told Don if a check for $5,000 showed up tomorrow we could do it no problem because then there would be money we could walk into almost any situation to pay a deposit and maybe even buy a couch, aha. So the only way for that to ACTUALLY happen would be to win a scratch off or lottery ticket today. Hey maybe I should make it conditional. If I can win, I can go. If I lose, let that be a sign I am a loser so cannot go.
I know–I mentioned the you regret the things you don’t do mantra which is true. I have a lot of regret so it’s not like a new thing I have to learn to contend with–it is what it is. You miss out on a lot of things regular people do being a sick person, and in that you learn to deal with it and eventually accept it as just a part of the story. It is not a “morbid” conclusion as people sometimes like to direct me. It is called rational thought. And if you expect all these sparkly glittery things to come out of a steaming pile of shit–you are sure to be disappointed.
I can cancel this as late as Thursday and it would be the same–my friend would get a free vacation but he’s sweet so whatever. He tells me I can figure it out and in a different world if I were a different person, well, that might be true. I could just as soon launch myself out a window over deal with what all of this means in the context of being in Colorado and having any family to watch out for us.
And here I thought Don and I were making progress because the frequency with which we both said, fuck it, let’s just drive off a cliff or shoot each other and be done with it–that went down for the fall and early Winter and I considered that progress. Man, it is hard being alive sometimes in a half body with less than half the resources I need to thrive.
Fuck you, universe. I didn’t do SHIT to you. Which is true largely–I try to be a voice for reason and I do try to help. The universe is mean and apparently hasn’t deemed me worthy of too much reasonable shit as of late. All that begging was for nothing.
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Oh but for lack of gratitude-
I am grateful for my job, which is easy and the least stressful thing about my life. 🙂
