closer to the edge but I haven’t fallen off yet
My mind is a mean thing–I blame it in some ways for the destruction wrought on my body. I try to control where it goes but it’s a hard thing to do when you have been conditioned as I have been.
Expect the worst, hope for the best and you will never be disappointed was my mantra. The worst wasn’t something I had expected in some time–even with all of my waxings about the country and its current political climate–certainly is the worst case scenario, but I was able to distance myself from part of it even just by imagining me leaving. But in terms of our general condition I hadn’t imagined it exactly.
I have felt the anxiety of not having enough for most of my life and at times and through some pretty significant blocks. There have been times Don hasn’t worked, etc and clearly this all ties in to our current state of affairs. There certainly will never be a wedding or celebration now–though let’s admit. That was a stretch anyways. Don’s teeth and mine are going to have to be worked on later. Christmas will have to be put off another year for me and Don but I will get a taste of it, if nothing else I can observe like I did in 2015 when I went and everyone was buying it all up. That time I spent $300, literally for ten days in Europe and got presents for some people somehow too.
I considered canceling the trip. I mean, obviously I did. But at the end of the day my sister and my mother and both their husbands likely get real retirement and I will be dead long before. As I pointed out to my friends–you do regret what you don’t do, but you rarely regret what you do. They don’t give a flying fuck about me and my situation so why would I delay minor joy for me to do what, exactly? To see me suffer which they clearly all get off on? My mother in Tennessee (they moved a few months ago from MASS) told me she thought it was better I did not go of course. She is always the voice of ultimate responsibility, but at the end of the day none of these people sit in my shoes nor do they care to, so why am I taking anyone else’s advice but my own here? I wouldn’t, given I am the one who knows how valuable and precious my conscious working brain time is—and it is limited for me. That perspective thing can shape decisions if you are able to shake yourself out of your own shoes to see its effects. Or you can let it guilt your decisions or you into corners you don’t want to sit inside. I spent a lifetime doing that just about–apologizing at every turn, always trying to be polite. That got me nowhere. Don is not happy I am going, but I just promised him I wasn’t doing Christmas like I had planned and would do it on the cheap. I cut the list down to 12, 13 people I would like to grab something for-keep it at a budget of 20-30 euros and that’s $300. I am sure I can pig out on breakfast at these hotels and get street food with my Gluehwein during market time. This whole thing I want to inspire my art–I am sure I could do this whole thing for less than a hundred bucks a day, cake, with presents. Shit. I have to activate instagram…hmmm. K. I will do that later and post my link once I verify it works.
Still feels like I swallowed an inflated bag and got punched. But given the themes of things…well, let’s just say I have been thrown away more than a few times in my life–but like all annoying things, keep coming back for more. hahaahah. Seriously–I’ve said this before but literally every terrible surgery I can trace back to some big life upheaval–a few of them were being left situations followed by raucous punch your heart out sex. Yeah…great, right? Or just some slightly unmanageable strife. But–I am trying to take my own advice and admit there is nothing more I can do here. I have probably done too much already which pushed her over the edge. All I can do is try and not let my brain stroke me out and find a way to have fun on this trip knowing there is a mad rush to GTFO.
A wise friend did say yesterday–you cannot take any of this personally. It appears your mother is in serious money trouble, did she quit her job?? She must be in serious trouble. I really do not know…I just need to get out of their faces so we can live without that paranoia.
As I just wrote a friend…
The novelty of the birth daughter has worn off and she has grand kids she wants to watch so there’s priorities we consciously decide. I have been decided out of the equation.
It is possible that is it in its entirety, as simple as that sounds people are pretty simple creatures. People like things that make them feel safe. My words lately have been–“get your shit checked, you have a gene issue everyone needs to see if they have. Why don’t you get this building done and retire? Why did you sneak off with all the keys like you don’t trust us?” All I know is it just got a lot more expensive for everyone in the building to the tune of $100+ more per unit since we were providing internet at our own expense. Poor Ben and Alyse were so into living above me and Don they didn’t take so many better deals in the neighborhood. Now it’s going to cost them $200 more with less amenities than they would need to pay in a kept up property. I already apologized to them and they know it’s not me, but I still feel guilty to bring them into a bad situation.
I am sick of thinking about this. Forget it. This is the last I write about the reasons. Who cares. We’re moving. end of that story
