Staking Claim and Making Waves
Well, world, you certainly aren’t looking any better today. I have committed myself to my social media fast, which means maybe 1 or 2 people MAY have come to view my diatribes, but I doubt it. I am the half-assed writer, the writer who leaves a stew of musings stuck up in my head, mostly because none of you care that much to have me vomit it out in the waves it comes into my brain, drowning out reality, suffocating possibility.
A friend of mine from work yesterday expressed a kind of alarm that has been stewing below my own surface, sometimes verbally manifested in my “we need to get the fuck out of here” monologues. His urgency was something I found a bit alarming, given he is one of the most rational and intelligent people I have come to know, though I have always wondered why he would stay in Denver. There’s a definite lack of diversity, a missing culture of sorts, wrapped up and tangled into nothing more complex than yes, the fucking Broncos. It is the one qualifier here that seems to garner respect from strangers–say you like football (and especially the Broncos) and you are automatically good people. That seems to be the only thing the community at large can develop any kind of passion around, which is sad, of course, because I hate football. I think I am with the only straight man not obsessed with a game watching men run around in tight pants to later see their stars stutter with brain injuries. I mean, really, America? Is that the best you’ve got.
Recent events have led me to believe that might be it. There was something about being in NYC during tragedy, during times like these when you just want to hug and scream at everyone around you. In Denver the temperament is moderate to stoned. They don’t care at all, and would likely turn on each other in their efforts to get away and/or protect their own families. There is a missing awareness here, a kind of consideration that makes you realize these people don’t know how to live in a city, and many of them seem resistant and indignant to any change or any other groups of people coming along to share in their resources. Hence, there is a really strong natives vs transplants hate parade so many people here like to bitch about–it is the unwelcome fallout from turning into a weed-friendly state with generally better weather than 80% of the country. Yeah, there’s a secret there–there ARE more sunny days here than anywhere I have lived–though promise and good attitudes were definitely more prevalent east than here. Winters are even cake, but nobody here would tell you that, given it would mean more might move here.
Don wants to go, as do I–but there is always that squirrely thing called affordability that has been driving most of my life’s decisions over the last 5 years since I left the east…would we be able to afford it (doubtful), would it make sense (if we won the lottery). You probably wouldn’t be surprised to know I picked up another ticket this morning…but alas, I didn’t even win the value of it ($3). It is pathetic to admit, but it is likely the ONE thing that will help us–help me clear my loan off, help us get a rooting to leave, the only means to an end. In this new world where money worship literally Trumps common sense (how else did that motherfucker get voted in?)–it is the only reasonable way out. I have been working since I was 15, folks-and that’s just on the books–I had businesses back to 12 years old. I have nothing to show for it, not a thing except, I guess, me. Nothing, so spare me the hard work gets you everything lies. Hard work may work if you come from the right place…but if that place is not awash in money, good luck trying to do anything.
Yeah yeah, my attitude isn’t improving. I am good with that, because at least I am not pretending everything is fine. Everything is terrible in America and will be terrible for some years to come…
The east misses you too. New Yorkers are not people born in NYC, tho many of us that are born here also become New Yorkers. The moment you can exit any train station on the island of Manhattan and instantly know which way is west at a glance? You’re one of us now. Seen the city from the air and felt that -pang- in your heart at the city that sprawls on and on and on farther than you can even see from an airplane? You’re one of us. Been away for five years and now you even miss the transit snarls? COME HOME.
I don’t sleep well, well I barely sleep we shall say, which makes the blankness left on these pages the past few years maybe harder to understand but I also feel that my life the past few years has progressed to the point where I don’t even remember anything remarkable happening except meeting Don–which was and is GREAT of course, but I feel no need to remark on much more than what I feel justified bitching about–there’s no progress, there’s just been stagnation but we are planning on leaving next year this time after we can get some money in the bank-switching schedules soon I hope to get another bartending gig to fund a big move…it’s going to take a year to get the cash together as now we are just okay, but in no way in a place to have money to fund a move, an apartment or any space to sit while he is east and looks for a job while we are out there. I need to have like, what–$6-$9k to move, get a place and have time to sit while we get work figured out for him…I keep playing those scratch-offs but haven’t felt lucky in days…so no other way.