on being 29

It’s funny how everyone younger seems to have an opinion about getting older. Because when you reach the peak (ie the last year) of being in your twenties, it does actually become something realer.

When I was in my early twenties I was not only immature, but emotionally retarded. stunted and broken. and the funny thing is, even in all of my immaturity, it was never apparent to anyone else that I was indeed, retarded. retarded in that i was not only a drama queen and drama mama, but i never knew how to deal with anyone appropriately and did all kinds of stupid young girl bullshit. i held onto things, and people, who were never mine to covet. but i tried and tried the best that i could, somehow convinced that every relationship was going to be the it, the one, the ying for my yang. the older I do get, the more I realize that relationships formed and existing when you are in you early twenties not only change much as you should as an individual, but the less permanent they really are. I mean, let’s get real here, who you are when you are 22 is certainly a far cry from when you are say, 27. Of course you have to get there to really see what I am saying. Everyone likes to pretend they are the exception to the rule, so complete and so whole in their early twenties. much as I did. and I was down with some seriously mortal shit, having to hypothesize my own death at 19, and honestly believing it would happen every day up until I was probably 27. that makes you grow up really fast, but the damage that that funny little aspect did made it seem as if nothing were going to work out for me. that i was somehow cursed by god, or whatever mythical thing I could blame my problems on. but the older I get, or rather, more appropriately, the more I learn, the more I realize that everything is held within my own hands and mind. so long has it always been about faux counting on other people. Counting on other people to lead me through to my successes. people, however, are exquisite about failing themselves first of all, so how could I dare expect them not to fail me? I couldn’t and certainly shouldn’t. So much talk talk talk talk about making this movie, or doing this collaboration or this and the list goes on and on. I have been duped by own stupidity to believe that everyone else wants for my life as much as I want for my OWN life. As it stands now, it is certainly been a little more about doing, not too much about talking.

From that ledge, I can sit pretty peacefully. I have my own spiritual nature that I have honed and cared for that is not anything anyone had to teach me, but stuff I learned all on my own.

My birthday festivities started the midnight of my birthday, with me and E and Scott from Local H doing makers mark shots to start the festivities. went home, slept a few, went to work. Got a card and some chocolates from work and a friend there. got a pedicure, talked a bit about my energy and good aura with the girls at the spa, who were talking to me about eastern religions and asian vs white mentalities. For the second time in two days I heard about my inherent “goodness” that was somehow apparent to people visually. “You know what you are talking about, you will be something great” once from my massage therapist who waxed a bit about kaballah, and then from the asian chicks at the spa.

It’s a nice boost, that kick. E took me to a fancy pants dinner at trattoria del arte I think it was called. delicious delicious. Then we went to see Local H play at the tribeca rock club. I know if you know who they are you don’t have to be told this, but wow those boys are the loudest and most talented musicians probably EVER, brian being the sickest drummer I have ever seen, and scott switching from bass to guitar on one instrument and playing his heart out. they got done, packed up, me and E and Scott and two strippers went to Lit. drank a bit. came home….

the rest you can probably figure out.

But as it is, I literally cannot remember one birthday since 21. And this one I will never forget. I got calls from Paul, Brent, Babs, Sylvia, my mom, my new friend Ruben, Tommy, Fetus, Bj, Amado. and then Francine! I opened the mail today to get a card from Babs, and a package from my friend in Australia, Ferg. How strange is it that literally everyone I know lives so far away I couldn’t have them all to my birthday party.

Sadly, just the day before my birthday, my main Piggie died. He was a huge angelfish that would eat from my fingers and would hang out on my side of the tank when i sat down. he was always very excited to see me, and would literally jump out of the water to nip my fingers when I would feed him. I am a Dr. Doolittle of sorts with the animal kingdom so it was pretty sad when I realized the jealous other piggies killed him.

But regardless, me and E will be obtaining new piggies soonly. After me and Fetus go see Egon Schiele at the gallery.

FAncy me. It’s my birthday alll weekend long!

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