if we all had something to believe in maybe we wouldn’t all be so lost
Last time I flew to California was in September, getting back 3 days before the giant fiasco. Fiasco death screaming murder. Crying.
Hard to believe it’s so close behind. Nipping at the heals kind of close.
The fucking garbage is starting to stink. Sitting there for days outside the window, flies procreating inside the bags, turning the gush into a buzzing bean bag. Sick. If I was sure pouring bleach over the bags wouldn’t burn through the bags and make the mush visible, I would radiate everyone who walked by with the toxic fumes.
Kelley, an unending source of inspiration and support, called me yesterday from Cali. I have these big ideas I should package and sell. Commodities. Francis says people should pay me as the bullshit see througher. Fuck that garbage. Francis and her girlfriend have used this john of theirs (this guy who paid to speak with them on their cams as they worked), and now have seen that he, too, has a little taste of some expectation for both of them. Jen, Francis’ girlfriend, gets this close to forty-something’s health insurance, is the sole beneficiary for a million dollar life insurance policy, and doesn’t shove shit up her ass anymore for money. He pays for her, gives her an allowance, a free space to live, and all she has to do is do her music 40 hours a week. She wants to be an engineer, spin tables etc etc. So Francis, who was taking the same gift of an education from this man in the amount of 65,000 (a bonus from his job) is upset because he feels that he is jeopardizing her friendship by trying to sack this girl. I told her she cannot handle it, and Jen for all her intelligence, also was mistaken by thinking that she could handle it. Francis tries to tell me that Jen is ruthless and they spoke about making the situation work out so that no one lost (and at the very least, not them), and I’m like incredulous with hey, Francis, doesn’t this make..doesn’t this spark a fire of question in your mind as to your integrity? Like respecting someone who would think and know they were taking advantage of a lonely computer programmer to benefit them both monetarily is a little fucked up? She said playing by the rules has never gotten us anywhere. Look at the examples around us.
And yet, Francis and this man had a conversation she told me about the other day which was determining that no one paying for me was fucked up. The fact that I don’t demand to be taken care of and respected with money made me weak. I told her today that this is exactly why I am the way I am. I refuse to take and collect the emotional and social inadequacies of the weak-minded and use them to benefit myself. I take care of myself, and if I take care of anyone else I don’t ask for anything in return. Appreciation is nice, but a small nod or acknowledgment has always been enough. I have tried to expect nothing else for the favors I have exchanged. I like helping people. I don’t particularly let people help me, because as was proven today with the situation with Francis, people hold shit over your head. I never want to feel as though I am obligated to anyone in a way I have not volunteered to be to them. When men buy you drinks, despite whatever is deemed appropriate or right, they expect to hit that shit. Do most people think this is appropriate? Fuck no. However, that doesn’t take away from this as a truth. I have had recent incidents with this, thinking wow, it is nice not to have pay for shit, only later to realize after having deterred advancements (unwanted) time and time again, explaining that under no circumstances was I going to go home and fuck this man. And that despite my “oozing sexuality” making him drool, I have never nor will ever take home some drunk fuck from a bar after meeting them for the first time. I have never had a one night stand. Don’t need it, don’t want it. No thanks.
Mark showed up yesterday morning as I was climbing walls in Brooklyn with Jason. Climbing away from the biting sun. I say sometimes I am allergic to sunlight, violent tears assaulting my eyes and making them run in puddles when I have no shades to block it away. Anyhow, Francis told me he was on some doubly strong medication. He will most likely slip through the cracks of the medical community, fall homeless to the street someday like the thousands of other schizophrenics who are lost without homes. Schizophrenia is the major affliction of the homeless population. Maybe all those frightened eyes need once in a while is a little smile nudged out from the corner of your mouth. Maybe you just don’t give a shit. Try it sometime. Makes you feel.
The mosquitos that have been biting us lately don’t leave bites or lumps that last more than 20 minutes. So the discomfort after the bite comes from just aggravation of the assault. Must be nuclear or some shit. Maybe Francis and I are being bitten by west nile homo mosquitos. And because we are naturally superhuman, can deter the natural squito affects.
getting to know you. getting to know all about you. you might find some girl calling you one day, hazy from the summer’ sun. beating down. middle of the desert. you just might. just wait. you’ll see.
