I’m a bad girl. but it’s hot outside mommy
Mark showed up today. We had quite the fiasco on Friday finding a hospital to give him an appointment. Basically it involved going to three hospitals (beth israel, bellvue and harlem hospital). Appartently living 15 blocks from a hospital is not as good as living over 70 away. So Harlem hospital gave him an appointment tomorrow at 2:15. I don’t know if he’s gonna come here and have me go with him. I don’t know how sad he is today. I have my psychic feelers out there and expect that he is #1, either passed out at home, or #2 passed out in a park, or #3. talking to strangers and cavorting like he usually does. I told him I would help him yes, but not at the expense of further indebting myself, sinking deeper into poverty. He could get help, but he won’t ask for it. Not because of some fucked up paranoia about his parents being out to get him, as so far his paranoia has been strictly limited to strangers following him and his ass being GPSed. But Francis and I were walking with him and he was talking about how he ate in a soup kitchen and Francis said, “dude, you need to ask your parents for some help, I think” and he said “why don’t you ask your parents”. Francis’ quick retort “dude ask Francis why I can’t call my parents”. Francis doesn’t have parents. They aren’t dead, but they have been in her existence for long enough and for good reason enough to warrant such a response. Francis trottled off down the street and Mark looked at me and apologized. I’m like whatever. “Why don’t you call me, and we can check out tomorrow”. And he said, “I can’t. Don’t worry about it”. He will fall impoverish himself to spare himself the grief of having to ask some people for help that he refuses to deal with. As far as I know, they don’t know where he is. And Francis was sad, and I was reeling from that. And I didn’t know what to say. And as his face fell, I walked away.
I am stronger than I’d like to admit yes. But not strong enough to hug him or point out his err. I just don’t have all the energy all the time to deal with someone who needs to be cultivated and reborn. Francis pointed out that he needed to maybe fall flat on his face to be reborn again. And what we are referring to when we mention reborn is the rebirth of the person the personality through learning and the experiences that teach us to behave and react in more sensitive and intelligent ways. But he has an illness. And it’s not his fault. But, as she pointed out, we don’t have kids. We aren’t mothers. But I am. Not in the traditional sense but in the sense of: if I have a means at my disposal to assist you, whether it be through monetary, emotional or contacts to aid, I will help you. Gay. I have this innate ability and concern for people. IT sucks.
I wish I could just fly to Arizona and melt on the asphalt with you.
we could fry eggs on my head right now I bet.
heeeaaaarrttt
are you a helper or do you hinder
