ah shit…it’s fucking JULY…
My summer has been scooting by at an unnatural pace. people people people. situations situations situations. It’s hard for me to really organize what is going on lately in my brain, the way my mind shelves priorities, people, things, into the back corners of nothingness, to be forgotten until I decided to consciously remember them.
Last year was a blur, spun by me and I cannot say anything really remarkable about last year that extended beyond september 11. Before then was so blurry, the faces unforgiven, the lies and bullshit cutting deep. I sent a “friend” a message today, something he most likely won’t read, most likely won’t get. The thing that kept running through my head repeatedly was this past foggy mantra of mine about people. People are the most temporary things about one’s life. They come and they go with the frequency that sun rises and sets. I refuse to let myself get that close to anyone. Not for fear of change or leaving, but leaving in its ultimate meaning. I have realized this over the past few months. That my scars that men seem to find issue in, that my understanding that people don’t want to deal with their own mortality let alone someone else’s that they care about, is, in effect, me. I don’t wanna think about it. I don’t want to leave people broken and confused and feeling like their hands were tied. Because ultimately I believe that our time here is a series of lessons, that if left unlearned turn into a horrible thing most commonly referred to as regret. Regret will kill you, regret burns. If we all just learned a fucking lesson here and there then we wouldn’t all have to run around feeling sorry for ourselves.
I haven’t been around for a few weeks. Depressed for a bit because I was literally foodless for a time. Now, I work 6 to 7 days a week, getting people drunk for money. I have been on my feet modelling for 8 hours, and bartending for 102 over the past ten days. I scored over a grand, but goddamn my fucking head and legs are so tired I can barely move out into this 90 degree heat at 60 whatever percent humidity. I’m tired, I need a little love, I need to fucking chill the fuck out. I need to go swim in beachy water and lay caked in sand under some pier somewhere down south of me.
I’m sorry if I haven’t quite responded to alot of people yet on my shit. I just need to fix my shit so I can then fix my shit.
shit shit shit..lack of adverbs pronouns and nouns today.
I feel the slowburn of muscle cramping hitting my thighs extending up my legs to my hips. I have lost weight. At 5 10, I’m weighing about 130 135 pounds lately.
I was depressed. Now I have no time to think about anything anyone anytime anywhere. That’s why your little pinch by being the first one to ever ban me from viewing your page on bme little s, is hilarious. I guess there really is no reason to bother looking there at all anyhow. Your friendship slid down and hit the wall so long ago, I find it hard to even believe it would be worth your effort to bother referring to me as any kind of friend at all. Lying and misrepresentation well over a year ago coaled you into my wastoid basket so long ago it doesn’t even matter.
On bright happier lovelier notes, I have decided to take a little trip to bangkok and all over vietnam and southeast asia, even hitting australia new zealand and some other point in russia this winter. Deanna’s road trip turns into winter time in bangkok. This, before or during a school break as I have also submitted financial aid info to 4 different nyc local area schools..going for majors in illustration (for the tattooing focus) and 3 d animation (for the movie director in me). If I go to sva I will also be looking into music engineering as well…
Lots of things to do in so little time I barely take my shoes off before passing out, waking up and doing it all over again. Every day.
I need to seek out a professional fucking masseuse. my shit is all tired and fucked up..
oh yea. I also decided that this whole I won’t take out my piercings and cover my tattoos thing is not for me. I have no facial piercings period. And I wear long sleeve head to toe black every day. Why? Because in an economy this tight you have to suck the dick of “normal america” and present yourself in as an unthreatening manner as humanly possible. This is me normal, and laughing because I had 500 bucks in my pocket a couple days ago…
