It’s 5 AM and guess who’s awake
I’m awake. Very awake. And it’s tomorrow already. Blame the sugarfree Redbull, I guess. On some random morning show. they had everyone who died this year that was famous, anyhow, and it’s a bunch. A gaggle even.
I spent hours upon hours working on this gift of sorts for E,
something I made with my industrious bad self. 6 hours until now, my
plans and plans should prove both fruitful and nice.
I have always tried to outdo the whole presents thing, and most of the
time I do…though I totally squeezed lots of good juice with gifts
purchased for J who got plane tickets, a gigantic
enormous aquarium, books, a camera, and various other fun toys because
I like giving people toys..as adults we all forget that whole playing
thing, so I try to remind people. A few years back I got everyone tin
windup collectible toys, which of course they didn’t appreciate. Meanies.
I have also decided something that I really need to remind myself
about. And that is to pick the rug up from under myself and stop eating
it because I am way too fucking zen to freak out about anything. I have
stood with a smile on my face as people have cleaned their shoes and
all kind of various dirty things on me. Mostly it’s just jerks with
no clue, though some were friends. I’ve decided I can wipe my hands and
walk away from this day forward all in efforts to keep the forward
progress moving. Tomorrow I am getting unemployment, since I paid the
freakin taxes, and I need a nice solid income. With the bar business
being the most unstable job market out there, it would be to my benefit
to just do it and get it over with.
And work on some other stuff in the interim.
But the good story in my life is the dark-haired, amber-eyed tall
Jewish boy who I want to eat daily, but he is much too busy to
accommodate those fantasies. As with the Fetus, I decided to be “zen”
girl, and prepare myself mentally for some retarded half-thought sequence
of days where I would be relegated to B status. When I was with J, I
was so understanding, being so open, offering up suggestions for things I
didn’t even want to be suggesting, but because he was young and kind of
innocent, I thought he needed me to tell him it was okay. I crave honesty,
and when I don’t think it is even humanly possible to get it, or the
subject is emotionally stunted, I shoved words into
their mouths and situations into their heads that I would rather not deal with. I
instead decide to go the “open understanding girl” route because when
you present all manner of horrendous options, you’ve already half
mourned the possibility of your “other” doing something you would
rather s/he not do. And everyone always says I am soo cool, and I easy
to talk to…that’s because I require no investment–of course
I’m easy to talk to.
Speaking of investments, that Daily News scratch off thing made me mad.
I eagerly scratched those fuckers for three weeks without even winning
$25. However, E gave me my Christmas present last night and we
drove up to Mohegan Sun to go gambling (something I have never done),
and I dropped 50 of the hundred he gave me on slots, which was somewhat
soothing, especially since the machines would routinely spit up to 15
quarters at a time. At one point I was up 120 of them, a grand 30
bucks, but he had given me the money to mess around with, so I saved
a bit until the end. Once I finally had realized how to play
black jack, I uncurled $30 and threw it on the table, which was a $15
table. I felt okay about this, because I vibed what cards the dealer
had. And a few hours later I had $300. Yay for me, I have health
insurance!
Take a Z and you’ll fall right asleep.