Jimminy Crickets, I’m in the thick of it
So today was orientation. And I am feeling a little less excited about going, or at least for the past few hours I have felt like this.
I feel like an imposter, like I am hiding some crazy secret and I am really not supposed to be going to a school like this. Over the past few months since applying I have had a lot of dreams about having to be regurgitated into high school again. Like I didn’t graduate and somehow finagled going to college and they found out about it and then it all came crashing down. I know where this comes from, and it was from when I moved out senior year and lived in a different city altogether, and amassed an amount of absences that actually did put me at risk for not graduating, but they gave me the benefit of the doubt since I had less than 10 absences the entire time I was in junior and senior high school.
But now I feel this really unstable feeling. Like I have lied to get where I am (I haven’t). And that I have done something terrible. I feel this weird resurgence of guilt I used to feel often some years back. Like I have done something very terrible and don’t deserve to be free.
This could be a direct result of having “it’s harder than you can imagine”, and “the panic button hits around midterms” all day long. It was like a long exercise in preparing oneself for torture. And I sat there after a while thinking, after all you have been through, you’re really going to do this to yourself?
And I did say to E, wouldn’t it be great to be independently wealthy? Because I do think it would be awesome to not have to work full time and manage this, too. And I am not complaining at all. I know what kind of opportunities will be afforded to me once I do well and get things going. I just wish that I could live on a mountain ranch with my dogs and my horses and still get a Columbia education.
I am sure I will feel better tomorrow. I just feel so very off about all of it. Maybe it’s the crazy moon. I do tend to go whacko around those times.
One thing I have resigned myself to do is participate in everything I could possibly manage to participate in. I even made few friends! I will also be attending a speed meet thing on Thursday so I can have some more buddies. School buddies will be key. I won’t be able to do any other play, that’s for sure.
Bleh. The lack of sleep and my headache and all of this makes me feel like puke.
You can do this Francis. I believe in you.
What you are describing (about being “found out,” etc.) sounds like “Imposter Syndrome.” I get it too a lot…
It is common among gifted and high achieving women—like the Francises.
I love you Frisky.
You will kick ass. I know you will.
XOXOXOXO
thanks francine!
thank you francis…I am glad to know I’m not the only one feeling like an imposter alien.
xo
FRANCISSSSS
Hi. If I may suggest an insight? We all get this way, feeling like, “Oh, $#!t, what have I gotten myself into? I can’t do this! Who the hell am I, I’m going to fall flat on my face.” And then we hit the ground running, and we have a choice – do we listen to our fears, to these whispering demons talking backwards logic? Or do we start running and pay attention to the ride?
If you do it anyways, you’ll do fine. And I know you will; from all that I have read of you, you are able to do this, you were practically born to do this. The only way you can fail is if you give in to your fears, if you listen to them long enough to doubt yourself.
PS – I hope you got to see the moon tonight. It’s truly beautiful, crazy as it may be. 🙂
Er, that last sentence of the first paragraph should have been, “Or do we start running and pay attention to the path?” Way to mix my metaphors. 😛
thanks, S
you rock for that.
I missed the moon. There is always February, though.
I got the same feeling when I started med school. I got the same one after finishing my first board exam and I got it again when I started in the hospital. It’s natural to feel this way and you’ll do well. You managed to do something which I never could do which was crack Columbia.
thanks for piping in
I feel much better and less alienated to know that I am not the only one who feels like a freak.
I know I should be proud and feel accomplished to get this far, but they did scare the crap out of me by verbalizing my fears.
I think everyone has that imposter feeling at some point. I sure as hell did when I became a social worker. I couldn’t believe all of a sudden I was responsible for counseling delinquent/abused/neglected teenagers. There’s no measure of success in that kind of job so you just feel like a fraud until infinity…lol. And it wasn’t the first or last job/situation I felt like that.
You’re not alone in how you feel. But, you got in and you’re going to do great!! And good for you- being a “joiner”!! I’m sure you’ll find buddies that aren’t “upper east side cheerleaders”, lol.
Go kick some intellectual ass! 🙂
hahaha
When I was in school the first time, I sure as hell would not be involved with groups or clubs. I was too cool for that, after all.
As I have gotten older, I have come to understand the value of networking. And having friends in school is not going to be a bad thing this time around. In fact, it might make lonely a thing of the past. And with so many of my friends falling flat in terms of actually being there for me, this is a good thing. A great thing even…making the friends I will make here will be the best ones I might ever have.
Thanks for writing!
Re: hahaha
Those friends you make at school could very well be the best ones. College at 20 or 30 yrs old is a bonding experience. Some of my closest friends are the ones I made my freshman year. In a class- no matter what age, background, or personality- you all start out on the same level and with a clean slate.
There’s nothing more exciting than a fresh new notebook and various other school supplies.
I’m so jealous. lol. ENJOY yourself. B and I always say that people shouldn’t go to college until they’ve lived some life- it’s the only way to appreciate it.
Re: hahaha
I think you will make a lot of new friends Francis. XOXO I think this will be great for you…
<3
<3
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Re: hahaha
Thank you Francis. For your support and everything!
XO
You’ll be great! You can’t get into a school like that if you don’t have what it takes. I’m sure you’ll do awesome. It does look like a crazy amount of work judging by the size of your reading list. Your brain will be toast, but you’ll feel satisfied I’m sure 🙂
Tell me which readings are the best so I can read them after !
I definitely will
Of course I will!
That reading list is pretty extensive…I am pretty happy that during orientation they emphasized some pretty controversial political discourse, encouraged protesting, and said that being offended is almost a given at this place. It sounds pretty exciting to me…
The presidents speech included points about the crumbling financial markets and people’s guilt…it was pretty interesting.