what are you writing about
I cannot wait for the next few months to come barreling in…Fall has a special place in the dark and sometimes embarrassing corners of my memory. I was not ever a “cool” girl at school..and no matter how good I was at hiding it, it was always so readily apparent. Luckily I had the style of my cousin to emulate, and good distractions and jokes to make. Otherwise EVERYONE would have known it. As it was, things were always pretty interesting…at least once I was in high school jumping out the window and running rampant through Worcester nights.
I think I am at a weird crossroads in my life. So much of my past that I have not dealt with, the embarrassment of not being in any kind of acceptable circle, the circle I was in abandoning me when I got sick, the dudes I dated that screwed me from one angle to the next (all that cheating can leave a slick and sick taste in the mouth), and my weird penchant for hospital beds. Yes, I said that: there is something relatively calming and home-like about a bed which moves up and down and across with just a push of a button. I don’t know what my issue is exactly except that I feel like I am at a similar crossroads that I was back then. My friends, or whatever you could even call them, failing me miserably now. My family feeling further and further away. My stepping into new shoes and a new life in a way that I cannot quite explain. My education I am now going to actually finish at a pretty fucking good school nonetheless. And a plan to hightail it out of this albatross of drama I just don’t need any more.
The one thing I could always accept from concepts of what we live this life for was to maintain and achieve and foster human interaction and love. I can accept that. I don’t even blame the people who are devoid of that that I have let in to my life. Because I put them there. But I also now have a plan that excludes most interaction beyond what I need. I am tired of enabling people to be shitty to me. In fact, I am just plain tired of dealing with most people period. With the exception of three constant people in my life, the rest of ’em, well, whatever. I’m pretty fucking busy, too.
I was so worried earlier in the week, thinking we had reached the pinnacle of warm days, where we couldn’t enjoy that one last day in the sun, thinking Fall was going to come skidding out of control and squash out any hope of one last dip in the ocean, one last cast of the reel.
But it wasn’t so…work is now CAAAA raAAAAZy in ways I am not exactly at liberty to publicly disclose but they do have to do with trust and bad people and bad intentions. Luckily I am not directly involved in the drama but just to deal with the consequences. There’s a lot of instability, and it does have a way of grating on one’s nerves.
I did get to go to Steamboat Springs, Colorado, and I do need to move there one day (please G-O-D PLEASE!) to buy my plot of land and horse and farm and greenhouse and all that. I really do want the land and porch and quiet to write. I need to do my traveling from there and enjoy a home base which I am not afraid will get incinerated. I will share the pictures once they get them to me…but the education plans will allow me to do whatever I need to do from anywhere I need to do them. And that slicky piece of paper, because it is from that school, will mean a bit more than where it would have come from before…
Now all I need to do is figure out what ratio of Redbull and beta-blockers will work to keep me up at night to read all of my books so I can be a crazy, crackity psycho overachiever and win the race….
I hear you. I also feel like I’m at a crossroads, even though nothing life changing has happened to me yet. I just feel change inthe air. It’s time.
I’m still so happy for you about getting in to such an awesome school. I can’t wait to hear about your experiences 🙂
Do take care of yourself! Redbull and beta-blockers…I can’t even imagine. Do beta blockers knock you out like they did to me? My cardiologist took me off them when I was a teenager because I couldn’t focus or carry a conversation. I think I’m the only Marf I know who is not on them. Living dangerously 🙂
*wave* I’m not on them anymore… yet. I *know* as soon as I get pregnant (which they have said that I can do as I have very little dilation), they will throw my ass back on them lickity split. Now I just have to get to the point where I can do that and still keep my job and pay. *grin* 3 more months. 😀
yay for babies!!!
No babies for me. Which is not entirely awful considering I am not at the point in my life where I could support them. I have a hard enough time supporting myself.
It is not exactly assuaging–everyone says I could just go and adopt. But being adopted myself makes me feel less apt to do it. Not that I would NOT, but I wish that I could just do it myself.
Such is life, making plans without you though.
Re: yay for babies!!!
I hear ya. And adoption is *so* pricey… like 45k. That’s really hard. I consider myself *extremely* lucky every day that I have been blessed with the health that I do have, and I work hard to try and take care of it. *sigh* Getting exercise is tough when you have the asthma that I do….but I still try. Eating right is 1/2 the battle. *pats pudgy middle just a bit* And I worry about my friends like you and my other friend Kimmy… who I have not heard back from since her last spinal operation. 🙁 🙁 🙁 And again, I wish I could take some of that weight on my own shoulders. *sigh*
beta bada daaa
RedBull is only tolerable when I down them with the beta-blockers. This might sound completely assanine (as it is), but I usually down my medications with some form of caffeine, or at least follow up with the caffeination just to ensure I can do those things, like stay awake.
I am definitely so much better at handling the medication than I was in the past. It took a good ten years of constant medicating to get to the level where I was able to deal. I used to fall asleep at bizarre times, like ALWAYS during movies, etc etc.
But I am so much better now. I am on Cozaar and Procardia and Toprol and the combination has been the only thing to keep me regulated. Sometimes I think that taking that bunk kidney out would fix everything since it is the thing messing it all up, but the doctors won’t do it.
Fall has that way of inspiring these feelings of change too. I like it!
I don’t think anyone is ever “the cool kid” at heart; they just have an easier time than others. 🙂 Still, you’re pretty cool now. 🙂
I feel you about the crossroads. That wierd feeling where the air blows different and familiar sites are still in the corners of your eyes, but something new is right ahead. I wish you luck with yours. 🙂
<3 <3 <3
I love you, Francis.
I know you can do this.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Re: <3 <3 <3
Spanks, Francis.
I will accept nothing short of ass-busting perfection for myself.
xo
**I just checked my student account, and everything is paid for through the first semester, compliments of Nellie Mae and the Federal Government!!!!
Wait wait wait…. you came out to Steamboat and didn’t tell me?! 😛
*HUG* I do completely understand what you are going through, both with work and emotionally. Funny how we shove that shit down further and further until it all boils over, huh? *sigh* I’ve been trying to just keep on going, hoping it will fade away. It doesn’t…. but I’m trying to deal with it when I have the wherewithall. Again, that funny thing called life has a way of getting in the way.
steamboated
Yes, I came, but it was only for three days, so I didn’t have enough time to plan for fun time trips. There were others I promised visits to as well, but I could not keep those dates!
I am coming back in the Winter for sure, though. I just have to figure out when.
I am a bit tired of shoving EVERYTHING down to the bottom, which is exactly why it ended up exploding out my top.
Re: steamboated
*HUG* It’s ok, I completely understand, and with the summer that I have had… shoooot… it’s been tough just to get down to the Springs!
When you come back out here, let me know… you guys are more than welcome to stay with us too if you need to.
I need to use my safety valves more… but the problem is… well, the emotional trauma screws me up for DAYS, as I’m sure it does you as well. And right now, I can’t hang with that… I got TOO much goin’ on here. 🙁
I didn’t know the school thing was definite! Congrats! Glad to hear that part will work out.
I have a weird relationship with fall. I love the smell of it- it’s college nostalgic for me. I love fall fashion and the busy season of our business because of the impending holidays.
But, a lot of bad shit went down in the fall for me too- so it’s also a bit sad. My first love died when I was 15 in the fall and as much as I am over the trauma of the time- there’s still that little lingering sadness when I see the leaves turn and smell burning fire places. I also hate endings and summer ending just seems like a bigger ending than other months that sort of coast out in a different way.
Hope the work situation improves. Your writing is so crypic and a little over my head sometimes, lol. So, here’s to just hoping it works out for you. Work-related drama blows- I had A LOT of that at SpaFinder, so I get it.
Can’t wait to see pics of your latest adventure! Good luck too with the start of school!!!!!!!
L’ecole
Yes, the school worked out despite my financial difficulties. Though the loans will be not so fun to pay later on, I will end up being one of the college debted kids who swarm all around.
Fall IS school to me, which is probably why I am identifying so much with shit that happened in my past during school and all that…you can’t really help but thing of the past, as I know you know.
I do my cryptic writing stuff because if I were to write how I feel, people would be hurt. And although I am not averse to making people understand how I feel, I don’t particularly like splattering their feelings with the same lack of regard they like to do with me. As a result, I have a different way of expressing myself, far more guarded than a normal person.
Re: L’ecole
I guess the abilty to really do damage with your written word is directly correlated with how many people you have as “friends” on here. I do not have this problem because I have not added to my circle here since I started. lol. I stick to message boards…and I sometimes tire of my own analyzations in my own blogs. I’d rather read about other people at this time in my life.
If cryptic works for you- carry on. 🙂
Fall makes me think of catholic school uniforms- yet, I’m not catholic or a product of parochial education. Maybe I’ve been to too many halloween parties with girls dressed as old-school Britney Spears.
At any rate…cheer’s to the start of something amazing for you.
My thoughts are with you and hoping that you continue to move onward to a better place. It sounds like you are getting there… one step at a time. Take care!
thank you!
thank you for your kindness…and keep writing. I miss it!
Re: thank you!
…and you too! You write with such clarity. 🙂
I’ve had the fever lately definitely too…
You won’t believe what happened to me today. I’ll let you read the entry if you are interested. One word… Bush. 😉