slick wickets

Funny how sporadic life can feel…I think all of the time about writing. But I spend so much time at work doing the same thing all day long…over and over : “If there is anything I might be able to assist you with, please feel free to contact me”, that when I do get home, my type is all out of me. My fingers don’t do so well with such repeated motions over and over, and as I have to go back and edit myself to fill in the holes. Some of it is in the different feel of the keyboard, some of it is something else entirely. I know my joints are starting to exist slightly out of sorts, I can feel the stiffness set in at points. My lower back also has these fairly wicked little crackles. I can do it sometimes 6 or 7 times a day. It’s not a contest or anything, but it does feel better to realign myself through a little arch of the back and squeeze of the butt.

I turned 30..yeah we all know that. I did Halloween with MW and Fetus and E. We had pretty good time considering. Sometimes I see myself in all the wrong ways, pasted up on boards with no movement possible…on display to my own expectations. It feels better to imagine how that would be to get what I am really saying.

I started doing all of these gay adult things–getting the credit report, responding to the creditors in any way. I am the queen of denial when it comes to financial ruin. I get the bills and depending on who they are from, I might open them up and look at them. Mostly I just throw them away. This was an advancement, throwing them away. As I more often used to open them and just pile them into milk crates, somehow lying to myself in trying to convince my conscience that I would someday look at them. Someday, I would. I promised myself after all.

Then when you go through the bins of them, you realize you wouldn’t even know where to start if you did care to open them. The one good thing I have done is be fairly sneaky with my phone number, blocking it when I have called certain companies. Not calling creditors back because I feel like…”sure, Mr. Johnson, threaten to ruin my credit further. I don’t even know what good credit is. I don’t even care. I think maybe you should go through an open heart surgery and maybe think about what you really care about. Because bills are honestly the last things on my mind. Garnish my wages more than they are already by my company?” Yeah, try it. I will find you and burn your house down.

I have been trying to fix things given I guess I have to deal with these adult things like consequence…long term and short term. This does not mean I plan on paying past debts, no. It just means I have paid the imperative ones. The ones that could get me arrested, the ones that will someday make my life easier. I am not exactly sure how, or why, but it just feels better to be an adult. I guess now that I know I will be one. I got my exploratory period ripped into little shreds and burned into IV lines.  No fucking around for me…just jumping from job to job looking for health insurance.

I am not sure what else I can say. I am tired, my hands hurt. and I am generally blehed with the darkness falling at 5:00 pm.

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