Dead ends and heads that bend
Hmmm…it wasn’t too long ago that I was savoring and kissing the idea and reality of summer smack on the lips. These days it feels like Fall, a new crispness in the air, “beautiful” days describing this 60 or 70 degrees and something weather.
I have enjoyed everything about my summer immensely, save for the lost friendship and the fact that I was wretchedly ill for the beginning of it all. But dare I say I came through it all with flying colors. One would never know that I had undergone so many serious surgeries. Most people don’t believe it when I do tell them, but for the most part the people I have come in contact with were the grandfathered few, the friends I have had for many many years. Granted they were not always acting like friends, but they were certainly there to lend an ear when I thought I was on the verge of a breakdown.
These days I am pretty confident that there is nothing that could wreck my soul and spirit really at all. I am actually prepping my wings for flight, things are starting to happen, and with these silly and sometimes trite little things I call goals, I do believe things are changing for the better.
Just like before with all of the surgeries I had undergone in the past, the people I thought would be around were not, and the ones who were happened to be people I barely knew, and some not even in the flesh! I have reconnected with a few old friends, and am happy to count my dear friend Sean back into my circle of light. He is one of the most inspiring people I have known and happens to be quite the voice of reason when I want to fly off the handle and beat someone over the head with it. My friend who had the baby who would have been brother to my own has all but disappeared, but I cannot force blame on someone who has been a friend only in the eyes of nostalgia anyways.
I have checked off a few things I wanted to do before I died: visited LA, visited Las Vegas, romped on a nude beach, had a whole summer off to do exactly what I wanted…which in all respects often amounted to nothing. People who know me, as opposed to people who think they know me, realized I had been busting my ass for so long that my extended break was not as much of a vacation as a space for solace and peace. I had nothing to worry about this summer really at all. My voice is coming back with the aid of my shock therapy. I have gained a significant portion of my weight back. I have brown hair now, and it is mostly chopped off in a shag of sorts. I do not look or appear as the miserable and sad little presence that I once was.
With all of this life and death stuff, I have gained a new perspective on people and their inherent relationships with themselves and the universe, if I might be so bold. I know so many people who fail at the very essence that is life, afraid to try new things, afraid to be the person that they dream, afraid to shine the light upon themselves for fear that they might be perceived as arrogant. I tried to teach this to OCD recently as I had her get her hair cut at my friend’s place. She ended up offending the stylist because she was afraid to appear snotty or “full of herself” by recognizing her inherent hotness. As it stands now, I know I rule. I know I’m hot. I know I’m strong.
And with those that I know that think this is a wrong statement or not really accurate. All I can really say is “F off”. I could care less what anyone says about me that is negative or immersed in drama or spite to recognize that I have gone through and waded through a swamp of garbage. It is the strangest thing to realize that people who are miserable, and perhaps knew you as miserable as well, would actually resent your ability to get your life together despite all of nature’s gifts towards your shortcomings. I am sorry you guys are miserable and will never be anything else beyond your weak and miserable selves. I am sorry you wanted and wished and pined for my death and departure from your realities (*obviously not intended for you all, but those who know). I don’t play like that. I screwup, sure, but I ALWAYS learn from my mistakes.
I have also discovered a new piece of writing brilliance. E borrowed the first season of Lost from his assistant. Today we marched into Kmart to pick up the second season which was just released yesterday. Now, I am not a fan of television beyond it’s distraction or ability to make me feel like I am not alone, being kept company by the blaring of the voices and noises. But this show is like a really good book. And one I wish I had penned myself. It is a rare occasion, and actually has never really happened before, my desire to be part of something born on network TV. I mean sure, I watched Rockstar Supernova because our friend Ryan was on it. But now that he’s been booted, I just don’t care. But this show was written in a way and with such open character pathways that your imagination can literally go wild trying to figure out what could happen next. It’s better than a choose your own adventure book….actually I don’t really like those…but yes, you get the idea. I do understand the obsession with it. And because I have never had to watch it with commercials, a lot of the pause in between the scenes is missing, and you are forced to endure the crazy behaviors and gore without having the ability to pop yourself a new bag of popcorn.
Anyhow. On the way back from the beach today, E and I were listening to GW’s speach on what happened and in what order and this is what has gone on but please support our war on terror. And I honestly think he might not be that bad of a person…I just wish his greatest position in life was being someone’s grandpa and not the president of this country. I cannot help but think most shit coming out of his mouth is literally shit. But that’s just what the record has shown. And I still wonder, with all of his flagrant pretending he is actually doing anything but perpetuating more terror on our own home turf, why the public was trying to impeach Clinton when our very own P shitty has shit all over the poor in this country, done nothing to discourage outsourcing of jobs to foreign nations, gotten us involved in a war under the pretense that it was all about that now sketchy acronym WMDS when it was really all too convenient that Iraq switched their trade currency to Euros within a few months of our invasion (but how sweetly we pushed the button switch back to US dollars pronto!), pretended we cared about the Iraqis suffering under a brutal dictator while letting Sudan exterminate itself slowly and implode from the inside, done nothing to address the minimum wage issue but bitch and complain about the “immigrant issue”, instigated NO programs designed to benefit the welfare of the citizens in this country beyond protecting us from the terror storm when he himself gave them the gasoline and match to burn us.
A blowjob from an intern is pretty petty in comparison now, isn’t it? If this country wasn’t so prude and fundamentalist Christian, he might not have lied about it. And I could care less. He was the President. I think a blowjob every now and then is not out of line at all.
So yeah. That’s a week’s worth right there.
I too believe that a blowjob for the president every now and again isn’t out of line….I miss Clinton. I read the Monica Lewinsky book too when it came out…it was a good beach read.
Don’t you love being able to check stuff off your Life “To-do” List?? That’s the best. I just agreed to do this photo shoot…B and I…in our wedding clothes in Central Park and other locales in the city…for free, the first week of November…
This photog from Tennesee is going to this photog conference or something and wanted a couple to shoot…she and some other photogs…we get copies of the pics…
When I asked B, he got all quiet, then got hysterical laughing…and was like, “So, this rube, who does not know much about NY City, plans on taking us around town to take shots…this will be a long night! I hope it does not rain although my tux will be black already, ha! She is correct on one thing, this does not sound fun…your lucky I follow you wherever your crazy path leads! -B”
But, I just never want to be boring. SO, when an opportunity to do anything out of the ordinary comes up, I am all for it. My stuff usually includes making an ass out of myself on television though. 😉
I never got to watch Lost. We are about to finish Queer as Folk. We are starting Season 5. Maybe we will pick up Lost next.
Dude, Lost is insane. Literally out of control, and totally addictive. We just started watching season 2 and it’s actually making me feel kind of crazy to watch it. I am not sure if this is a bad thing or a good thing…but it is a brilliant piece of writing for sure.
When you get your shots done, you should definitely have someone do your makeup and hair. I am totally serious about it…it would make a total difference. If you need anyone to do it, you could put a posting up saying you would do it for a TFP or TFCD. (trade for print, trade for cd). I bet you could get some seriously beauty photos doing that anyways…
When is your actual wedding, before or after? I am hoping after given the whole dress jinxing stuff everyone believes in…
and on that benefit, I would totally be down to come by the way…just remind me when the time nears since I am ADD with so much shit happening lately.
My to do list has many many more things on it…I just have to formalize it. I am still arguing with myself over some of the jobs I would love to handle just even for a week or so…it’s a good perspective thing, going out of one’s comfort zone. I always wanted to try working as a sanitation worker, or a cop, or a mailwoman, or….anything civil servant minded. I have a feeling it would be an awesome character building experience and give me plenty of ideas for stories. I know it sounds crazy to say I want to try being a garbage woman, since I am obviously incapable of doing that…but I still think it would be an interesting experience. Oh, and a cab driver. I have always been curious about that and since I like driving, it might be interesting.
Those little tidbits are far and away from anything I could call “dreams” obviously. But I still enjoy seeing how other people do shit like that….the to do list includes….going to Europe, traveling the literal world with more specifics in mind but there are too many to list…hang gliding if I can force my doctors to say yes (bungee jumping and sky diving are obviously out), go on a hot air balloon ride (something I have been wanting to do for LITERALLY the past 20 years), go snowboarding or try skiing, own a house, maybe get married for real and maybe try to figure out this whole kid thing….those last two are far and away from anything I have however, and wouldn’t be set up in my current situation for another 10-20 years most likely.
Oh yes, and I want to be a guest on someone’s talk show because I came from nothing and made everything…more details on that later, though.
Go get Lost, I am telling you…it’s like Ca-RAZY crazy.
I am sure the make up and hair thing would be great…maybe I will do that…craigslist is a good idea. Thanks. Then I will really feel like I have my own personal paparazzi.
Wedding is before the pics…but I am not superstitious about the dress thing…B’s ex-wife was all secretive about her dress and look what happened to them. lol. I figured that it would be cool to wear it again after the wedding, so this is the perfect way.
Well…if you want to out of your comfort zone, you can try sewing lampshades in the factory here…with all the ladies from the “old country”…haha. B was a mailman in the summers in college. He liked it. I knew a guy in college who was a mailman. He was 20 and able to buy his own condo. They can make major money. I have no experience with most of the things you listed, except skiing. That is FUN…but here, in NJ…or from what I hear, Northern Cali…because you don’t want it to be TOO cold. Skiing in Vermont blows because it is so effing cold, your nose hair freezes and it feels like constant boogers.
The talk show thing is very interesting. I bet you could get on Oprah with your story…or actually Ellen. She seems more receptive to cool stuff…
Ok…We will get to Lost. B asked for Six Feet Under first though. That is also a great show. He is going to really miss QAF though…as do I already….
You go girl! 🙂
Oh, you would be proud, A…I am going back to work to discuss my return date tomorrow at noon….
YAY for me!
*hug* I love ya. And glad you are still with us. I needed to hear a lot of what you wrote… especially today. Thank you. 😀
😉
Today is awesome. Thank god I just got over my period.
I hope your goings on are not so stressful…
😉
Just Rent Season 1 of lost I am telling you.
Read my new entry I am just about to write…you will see and understand the irony there.
After? Of course. I still own my senior prom dress but it is really fucking cool still. A vintage 70s bright yellow marigold satin dress with an empire A line long length and a big bow underneath the breast. The sleeves have rows of the same gold colored bunches of tassles. I might get it shortened and start wearing it out.
I have somewhere you should see…If I were to be married I would pick one of these to wear.
http://www.trashydiva.com/site/indexSHOP.html
The Amanda Dress
or the 1940s long bridal.
too bad that’s no where near happening for me…I really love those dresses dude. They so rock.
you have not, I can still comment. Lost is awesome, there are a few dramas that I’m looking forward to continuing.
See you Sat!
right on
Indeed. I wish my little friend was going, I think. That whole wanting to see someone after you’ve been through all of this shit thing that bites sometimes.
See you then!
WOW………yer kicking life`s proverbial ass right now
GOOD FOR YOU!